I broke his trust and now I’m watching everything fall apart

I broke my boyfriend’s (23) trust and I don’t know if this is fixable

I’m in a really messed up situation and I need honest advice.

I hurt my boyfriend and broke his trust. I’m not going to justify it I know I messed up and I take full responsibility. What I did wasn’t physical or anything like that, but there was a guy who would call me and I’d pick up. I didn’t like him or want anything with him, and I’d usually reply in dry/off ways, but I guess I liked the attention or just that someone was always there. I know that still counts, and I understand why it hurt my boyfriend.

What makes this more complicated is that we’ve had a really hard history. Our fights have been intense, and there were a lot of times where he’d pull away or leave me alone, and I felt really lonely in the relationship. Early on, he also did something similar to me, and I chose to stay and work through it.

I’m not saying any of that to excuse what I did. I know two wrongs don’t make a right. I just feel really conflicted because it hasn’t been a simple, healthy relationship and like we’ve both hurt each other in different ways.

Right now he’s really distant and says he doesn’t feel the same and might never see me the same again. He wants space and doesn’t want to meet for a while.

I feel I’m scared that even if I change, it won’t matter I do want to change, not just for him but for myself too. I hate that I’m capable of hurting someone I love like this.

I guess I’m asking:

- Has anyone come back from something like this, especially when the relationship already had a rough history?

- Is it realistic to rebuild trust here or am I holding onto something that’s already too damaged?

- How do I deal with the guilt without completely losing myself?

I know I’m in the wrong. I just don’t know what to do next.

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**TL;DR;** : This is a sample summary of the TLDR rule, just copy the text in gray box. Is this going the right way?