Please help me come out of this.

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Hi. I want to share an incident that has traumatised me to the core and almost destroyed my career. I have been living with this for the longest time in my head so please help

End of 2023 I had failed my second attempt in a biggest competitive exam and was living alone. Naturally I was feeling like a failure because it's an exam where you invest one year for one attempt.

I had two best friends P and R since ten years. R had dated someone called N from her masters and had broken up like 10 months ago on good terms. She had dumped him.

. R had introduced all of us and we had met a few times so we all remained in touch. N called me and said let's all hang out. We all got super drunk. Then everyone left except N. He stayed back offering to clean my space by his choice. He asked what do you want to do? I was hungry I told let's just eat a snack near my house and then he left.

From next day N started calling saying why do you call only your friends R and P and not me. I naturally assumed he is just trying to continue and build a friendship. I was diagnosed with depression at that time and was fighting my own battles. So I didn't think too much and assumed he is also our friend and him calling is not a big deal. I didn't actively say it to my friend R but I just assumed she knows we are friends. I remember feeling weird to tell her directly one day he had called not because they had dated but because they were friends now and I didn't want to interfere. I just assumed her being aware and to not give too much attention into it. Then the calls became regular and he started caring alot. One day we were on call and he confessed liking me. This whole thing just happened in two weeks. I also told even I might slightly have a crush. My immediate reaction was it's romantic now I have to tell my friend R. But he stopped me by telling they both are best friends too and it will ruin it. He manipulated me by saying I shouldn't ruin their friendship. For a 22 year old girl who was going through failing an exam and depression herself this seemed too confusing. So I decided to step back and told him let's stop talking then. But he kept calling making alot of efforts even when I was rude and made me fall in love. I believed we were soulmates and things like a fool may be because I was lonely but I kept pushing him away but also wanting to talk to him once In a while and became easy on boundaries. One thing led to another and we even hooked up in one and a half months. Now I started getting hurting alot because I genuinely felt I betrayed my friend now since we weren't supposed to get physical. But everyday from start I kept fighting him to be honest with her and let her decide. I was suicidal kept taking pills not knowing what to do. Please know me and him met only twice in all this and talking was just on call.

Then one day he started abusing me telling not to tell when I was already in a lot of periods pain. He called me a whore and what not. I still remember lying on the floor and begging him on call to please leave me I am in pain but he called it all and act. I called my friend P who was aware of this but who didn't tell R considering my friendship with her too and she told me to just call R tell everything she will understand.

R and P are someone I have always assumed as family respected dearly. Always made them feel special and never real thought of making any other friends except them. I never said anything bad about them ever behind. I genuinely treated them as a chosen family many a times putting them even before my own family without even thinking if they are doing the same to me. Probably that was a mistake.

I told R the gist not blaming anyone but taking responsibility of my actions. She was shocked. But what happened later broke my soul. He woke up he twisted the entire thing saying I only did everything, I pursued him when he was not even interested in someone like me. He said he used me like a prostitute and twisted every single detail the way he wants to protect himself. But what was worse is R also kept telling it cannot be you.. someone like him cannot choose to fall in love with someone like you.. you should have given some attention, he should have believed that he can sleep with you and not tell me at all and many more hurtful things. They both are richer than me plus I was still struggling to make a career. Idk if that's why they said those things. Then R wanted clarification so she called me N P together to meet knowing it would affect me but I went because for me my friend was important even if it ends I wanted her to know my intentions of not telling it the first day. N abused me in public slutshamed me but R and P didn't think it is a big deal at all. Infact they all thought we should all have a last dinner together because R wanted to end friendship. After slutshaming me in public I still went because for me my friend was important she sat next to him only for that dinner. Infact R kept asking questions like did he get hard when he slept with you etc while he was abusing me because he kept lying he didn't. I can never forget that day I have lived with it every single day after that for two years replaying it

R blocked me for six months after that day I kept apologising for things I did and clarifying things I didn't for six months straight through mails. After six months R calls me agreeing to work on our friendship. The biggest mistake of my life. Because next two years she kept making me feel small, telling me she cannot trust my story completely, telling he cannot like someone like me unless I have given signs that he can sleep with me and what not. I felt abused every single day cried myself to sleep thinking all of this happened because of one bad decision I took and I should tolerate but everytime I opened up they would give me silent treatment. They wanted to believe their own versions of what happened that elevated their ego and makes me someone lesser than them. Them I mean R and P both. Me and N had stopped talking completely.

I was so drained to do anything that I failed my 3 and 4th upsc attempt also. The most foolish thing anyone would do.

After two years N comtacted me to apologise ended up saying mean things like their both friendship ended because of me etc etc I asked R to defend me and she denied again. After this I decided to step back from such friendships. For the longest time I kept writing them paragraphs on how they had hurt me only wanting them to acknowledge so we can all be friends but they couldn't even do that.

Everyone make mistakes. I didn't intentionally wanted to hurt anyone. I took responsibility of my decision which I made with bad mental health and manipulation on being called saddist if I tell since it will affect their friendship. But that moment showed me neither my friends R and P nor the guy N were really my friends. Because true friends see the things the way it happened would make efforts to know you for ten years and wouldn't abuse you to satisfy their ego and feel good making you feke small. If she had just seen the things the way they happened and ended friendship I would have still had respect for her friendship but she didn't even do that. Plus I got to know that even before incident there were instants that she and N together were looking down on me by bringing me left over food from their date while dating and not saying it openly. She had lied to him that I use dating apps which I don't think is a big thing but he had told her dont get influenced from her and she felt good when he was saying things like that when I myself have never used a dating app for its real purpose. How can a woman feel good by making her guy look down on other woman falsely especially her own friends? I ended my friendship with P also because she kept telling me that a person like him cannot ever fall in love with me not now not in future he only likes rich pretty girls and things.

I feel stupid for Taking wrong decisions and committing a mistake but also for considering people that were never my friends my family and sacrificing so much destroying my career at the cost of my parents sacrifices. My eye disorder increased ten times because of all this I gained 20 kgs I struggled with a heavy chest everyday for the longest time crying to sleep they saw it all and they only assumed I am incapable that's why I didn't clear the exam. It has nothing to do with how they were abusing and harassing me. Lol they will find out.

But for now I want to end this loop in my head. If anyone has gone through trauma themselves live with it playing in their end paralaysing them to do anything for years who constantly feel the need to send paragraphs and explain to make them see what they did to you please help. How did you come Out of it?

When it comes to my career I took an attempt break and I know I haven't reached my potential I want to give one more attempt before I end it and hopefully I make it to my dream service.

Please help me heal.