Just a vent about anorexia/body dysmorphia/whatever mental disorder i have going on

These are basically two pages of my diary i recently started writing :

• I'm really starting to wonder if i could be anorexic. For the past year, I've had a complicated relationship with food, and although it stopped around summer/fall 2025, it's started up again in the last two months or so. I feel fat even though people tell me I'm not, and I disgust myself, I disgust myself so much. So I go on diets; it's kind of an obsession: when I'm not dieting, I tell myself I should be so I can finally be thin. I don't diet often, but they're really restrictive, and they're getting worse and worse. I thought it could be anorexia, but I figured I didn't restrict myself enough for that. The most recent one was the most intense I've ever done; I wanted to do a total fast for 14 days. But my mother found out and forced me to eat. I almost cried. I felt like if I ate I'd get fat, I'd never lose weight, and my mom had to threaten to take away all my screens to force me to eat. I felt so bad afterward, like I'd ruined all my progress. I was on this diet because I'm going on a trip with my German class with some german exchange students, and I wanted to lose weight so they wouldn't think I was fat. And now I feel super fat and disgusting, I hate myself. I feel like no matter what I try, I'll never lose weight. Is this anorexia?

• I didn't write yesterday because I felt so awful. I had a good start to the day, but in the evening I ate too much. I ate a slice of cake my mother had made, and I felt so bad about it. Today, the beginning of the day went well. I didn't feel too fat. I went for a short walk with my mother. I even told myself I'd allow myself a bag of chips in the evening. But I gave in to hunger and also ate three strawberries, a quarter of a watermelon, a few slices of bresaola, a bit of tzatziki, and an ice cream. I feel so ashamed just writing this. I feel so fat and disgusting now. I'll never give in to hunger again. Two days in a row is too much. I'm even more stressed about the trip to Germany. I feel so fat and disgusting, and my exchange partners are going to think the same thing. I don't even want to go anymore. I'm fed up. I'm so fed up. It's been a long time since I've felt this bad. My body is so disgusting. Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.