I made up a daughter in my mind to cope and keep going.

A few weeks ago I was going through symptoms of executive dysfunction where I really couldn’t get out of bed and go to school because I physically just couldn’t. My mind was also all out of sorts because of my father reminding me of every cent that he spent on me, how I wasted his time, and that if I don’t stop emoting in my room he would slap me hard and, while my mother just kept quiet not saying anything to defend me, comfort me, or simply just communicate with me. They both were never good at dealing with feelings.

Speaking out in that sort of home just makes you feel unheard since the sounds of their yelling will overpower yours. So instead of powering through it and explaining to them what really was going on with me, I just wallowed in self pity and self sabotage. I couldn’t even eat or drink anything because my body and mind just didn’t have any form of motivation left. But then I thought if I had a daughter in the future I would’ve never made her feel unheard in her own home. I thought that if I had a daughter I would love her so much to the point she’d get sick of it. And at that time, the thing that pushed me to get up and eat was to meet my future daughter. To see her light up the room with her smile and just her presence. To be there for her when times are easy, and when it’s rough. Just the idea of meeting my future daughter just made me take care of myself so I can protect her better in the future.

I know this maybe a weird coping mechanism but I just want to imagine a life where I don’t let that family cycle to pass on to me. Which is still weird, im 17 and thinking abt things like this hahaha wtaf sorry.

But I just wanted to ask mothers in here who are a victim of unhealthy family cycles if you managed to end your cycles of family trauma when you had your children?