cynical thoughts that i don't want to listen to

i have trouble discerning who i really am, what i really want, like, value, believe and what my own intentions are.

i could cry, and a voice in my head will say something sinister, like:

"keep crying, do it until you get what you want, make them feel bad for you."

or i could try to do something nice for someone or compliment them and i will hear:

"i was only doing that to flatter them."

"maybe if i keep doing this then i can get them to do stuff for me."

selfish stuff, cynical stuff. toxic, manipulative, conniving stuff. it makes me question my true intentions, what is really me and what isn't.

it's not a literal voice though, it's just loud uncontrollable thoughts.

sometimes it's just stuff about my personality. it tells me to act a certain way, sometimes when talking to certain people, or in certain situations, and then i forget how to be myself, or what "being myself" is even like.

recently i had a really bad breakdown. i was hurt by someone close to me.

not sure if intentional or accidental, but my thoughts kept telling me it was intentional, and that i should manipulate them into loving me again, i should win them back by whatever means.

i should cry, beg, be as nice as possible so that they will feel bad for me.

and any time i was being nice to them, i always felt like i was just doing it for some evil reason, i felt like i was just *trying* or *pretending* to be nice. and then i couldn't discern the truth.

whenever i spoke, every word just felt like it was acting, that i didn't really mean it or feel hurt, i was just lying or exaggerating so they could feel bad for me and reconsider.

and i don't know if that's even true. i was so emotionally burdened that maybe i did do it on accident a little, but sometimes i'm just not sure.

today i had this epiphany. i could let go of all morals, all social standards and values, everything that people tell you that you *have* to believe, and create my own.

i wanted to be kind for the sake of *my* belief, i wanted to create my own values and identity for the sake of *what i feel is right*, not out of societal standards or external approval.

i tried to let go of all of it. screw it, just let everything happen, let the thoughts come, and whoever i was at the end of it was who i was.

but when the bad thoughts started coming, i got scared. i didn't want to become evil, i didn't want to be a cold heartless unfeeling human, that only serves themselves and only does things because they want control over other people.

it felt like i almost became what my thoughts wanted me to be.

and i wish that sinister voice would go away, that kept asking for more and more.

more control more power more pity. i wish it would go away. i wish i could just stop listening to it and compensating for it and avoiding it.

i wish i could just be myself and do things because it's what i loved and believed in.

expectations, assumptions, fantasies, desires, all being shouted at me.

it makes life less enjoyable, because while i'm having fun, the voice will say:

"they don't really like you. they don't mean what they say."

"they could be doing this amazing thing for you, but they aren't."

"you could be doing this amazing thing for them, but you aren't."

and it kills my mood, because i start to believe it.

it creates an expectation i didn't even want and all i can do is think about what things could be, and i can't appreciate what is there.

and it makes me feel like a jerk, an asshole. like i'm asking for too much and i'm ungrateful.

but is it even what i want?

even now, i just had a thought.

"i'm just doing all of this because i want to be seen as good."

"people are going to feel so bad for me and it's going to be great."

i just feel stuck and i don't know how to make this go away. i want to be my own person, not a slave to this voice or what my family and society wants me to be.

does anyone else experience this?