I almost killed myself today

For the past two years I have been failing miserably in almost all aspects of my life. My grades have been getting worse and worse, and I have been drifting away from all of my close friends.

My inability to concentrate which caused my horrible grades was in fact ADHD. I recently got diagnosed and while it is nice that I’m not just lazy and stupid the damage has already been done. I’m astronomically behind in all of my classes, and when I do try to pay attention my mind just drifts away. You would think that meds would help, but no, I feel the exact same way.

Today I had a physics exam and since I haven’t studied, I tried to cheat. A teacher noticed the phone under my desk, long story short I’m likely going to fail physics.

Talking to my dad about this was agonizing. He’s not the strict type, but I couldn’t bear disappointing him once again. I’m so ashamed of disappointing my parents over and over again.

This hurts because I once genuinely was smart. I have final exams coming up that I of course did not study for, and I simply did not want to go through this cycle of disappointment and shame again. I wrote a note to my friends and scheduled it to be sent 24 hours from my suicide. I was going to take all my ADHD meds and just wait for the end to come. The only thing that stopped me from going through with this is me reading about the symptoms. I knew that overdosing on methylphenidate would be painful, but reading what exactly would happen to my body turned me away from the idea.

I guess in retrospect it seems silly that I was going to kill myself over grades, but really it is about being ashamed of how I’ve been to everyone around me for the past few years.

It’s really late at night, I have to wake up early tomorrow and I cannot fall asleep. If this is unreadable, sorry. English is my second language and I’m way too tired to grammar check.