I need someone on my birthday

I turn 20 today. I can’t stop sobbing. I need someone to talk to and I have so many wonderful people in my life but I’m embarrassed to ask someome to come over. If someone can give me encouragement today it would mean the world. I need humans.

I wish I could put into words my feelings so as to give you something to work with. My mother and I don’t have the best relationship. She sacrifices her entire life and happiness for her children and I can never pay her back for it. She’s going through depression right now living with her abusive husband. They are separated, in two rooms, but she stayed with him for the sake of us. He is a changed man and I appreciate him for that but still in her life full time and it sucks for her. She’s the woman of the house and she doesn’t have her own bathroom, she doesn’t dress nice anymore, she doesn’t have many friends that live nearby, she tries so hard to assist the elderly in our family but it takes a toll on her. There’s so many. She rarely tells us her feelings. She still grinds as a mother and bends over backwards for us.

Sometimes she disrespects me by telling my secrets or disregarding my wishes and feelings. I forget it’s her first time living too and this causes me to push away from her. She wants to bad to be my friend. But it’s hard when she’s still my mother.

Anyway I’m depressed about this. I’m sobbing. No one is home right now. My mom spoiled me for my birthday as always. I’m also depressed about life. I’m about 1/4 done. I don’t know if I have religious trauma but every few months I violently sob about the fear of going to hell, my family going to hell, my family being taken away from me. This is the only life I have. I need to treat my mom better. I miss my mom. Why is no one scared where we are going after this ??? Where ???? Will we all be together oh God please. Why can’t I keep up ?? I want all my friends and family and all my church people and co workers to all come to my house and stay here forever and never be taken away from me. But they will. No why that’s not fair bro. Everyone will die and I don’t want to be such a pessimist but my heart hurts so bad. I’m getting a headache from crying. My dog has cataracts. I miss my mom I hope God gives me more time. I’ve been worrying about the wrong things. Relationships are all we have. I can’t lose them. I’m on my period. Does that invalidate all my feelings.