We should normalize having different kinds of support groups for different people

I run into this issue a lot where I don’t fit in mainstream trans spaces (think the major subs here). I don’t like the kind of interpersonal advice I get from them, I feel like they can be way too quick to go no contact. There’s a lot of policing around tone, I need to censor words like “needle” and preface most things with a “everyone is valid, I’m just talking about me, it’s okay if your experiences are different” disclaimer. The people I tend to meet there tend to be the poly kinky openly trans uber leftist types that I share little in common with and often find myself failing purity tests and earning their ire over not hating AI enough. All this to say, I don’t get a lot out of going to these spaces. I don’t get advice that fits with my priorities, I find myself walking on eggshells to avoid offending people, and I don’t make friends there because there’s no common ground to bond over.

But clearly a lot of people do like these spaces and find a deep sense of belonging and community there. That’s great, but I want spaces that I can find that for myself. But it seems like not fitting in can paint a target on my back because the question instantly becomes *well why don’t you like the mainstream spaces* and invariably whatever I say is going to fail a purity test and then I’m the bad guy and the answer is to just stop being me and start being like everyone else in the mainstream spaces.

It’s okay to be different! It’s okay to be less sensitive! It’s okay to be less politically engaged or not have all the same opinions on AI and capitalism. If you want communities and support groups that have all these particular values then you really should accept other support groups and spaces that don’t. Not every trans person needs to have all the same takes as you. I’ve had my best luck finding trans people that I can get along with in transmed groups but they can focus too much on hating mainstream spaces. And I get it, I’ve had my fair share of bad experiences. But I don’t want to be surrounded by people hating on mainstream spaces just like I don’t like being surrounded by the hatred of greater society or a constant victimhood mindset that I find in mainstream spaces. I wish that transmed groups could just accept that mainstream communities exist and focus on themselves. I can’t get good advice in mainstream spaces but my transmed spaces are more interested in making fun of someone they found on Instagram than giving advice to their peers. And I wish that being in these groups didn’t instantly mark me as a demonic entity to be eradicated by mainstream communities.

I think if we could just learn to accept that not all trans people think the same, and at the very least respect other trans communities with different sensibilities maybe we wouldn’t feel so constantly under attack. If people like me weren’t so rejected from mainstream spaces we wouldn’t flock to trans med spaces, there’d probably be a lot less resentment too. And then with less resentment from being shamed out of mainstream spaces maybe transmeds wouldn’t feel such the need to attack others. But this starts with putting away the purity tests. Instead of attacking a trans person for not fitting in (which yes, might include disagreeing with some of their positions) instead try respecting each other’s right to exist as a trans person that you don’t agree with.