18F, I think I'll never recover from my abusive relationship. TW : abuse

TW : abuse

It has been 4 years, he still calls me, texts me every few months, to get back together, no matter how much I want to forget all of it, and I try to delete him from my life, he finds a way to remind me of my past. I feel like I'm too much of a problem and no one will ever love me, people love to get comfort , not to have to deal with other's trauma, there are so many beautiful people who are so easy to deal with, why would someone care about my past and shit? Most of the times, people don't believe me and think I'm acting or lying, most of the times people think I was stupid and I deserved it for dating so young, most of the times people start thinking of me as a different person than I am and become a little weird with how they act with me. Most of the times, people don't understand my boundaries and think I'm too much and too strict and just not worth it enough to deal with. (talking about platonic relationships but I imagine romantic would be the same.) How do I stop feeling like this?

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It happened around 2022-23, I never wanted to date someone, but got with someone Online (🤡). For the first few months of knowing him, he was perfect. It was like having all the fruits on one tree. Smart, kind, intelligent, handsome, good family of a mom and a sister, worked hard and was good overall. He proposed a few times but I rejected because I did not wanted to be with someone but felt like it could be a reality, it was worth giving a shot.

Then after a few weeks of us being together, I remember we were talking about something, and he raised his voice on call. Tears welled up in my eyes and my voice got hoarse. And then he flipped 180°, said "haha you're so cute, I was just teasing you or seeing what you'd say, I love you baby, sorry, I'm so sorry". I should have known, he was testing waters.

As time passed, the abuse started to take place. And it was catastrophic. He isolated me from everyone, I used to talk to him all day, away from my friends and family. He manipulated and guilt tripped me into giving my account password and everything but didn't gave his, or he gave it to me after deleting everything, and would change the password by evening.

So the love bombing, and isolation was done. Now he just pushed me until I broke. He would slut shame me, call me all sorts of name for existing. Would laugh upon my caste, call my father a dihadi majdoor in a very condescending way because we're from UP, (he said it was dank humour and he was saying it 'ironically' and that I can't take a joke), called me the R word repeatedly, shamed me to hell.

This is the tip of the iceberg, because he would video call all his friends and ask me to slap myself infront of all of them, asked me to do sit-ups, asked me to call myself cuss words and repeat how worthless and stupid I was. He'd tell me to do 300-400 sit-ups when I never exercised lmao 😭 he made me write 20 pages of sorry because my old guy friend texted me an old photo and I replied "so cool" because I was a slut for talking to a guy and probably wanted to F him according to him lmao. I was 14-15 at the time I think.

He had so many girl best friends, and he would blatantly talk about sexual stuff infront of me. Like there was a Yadav girl, and he would say he wants to drink.... Her.. Milk. Yeah. (I think I've seen enough for how old I am 🫩) and that girl was crazy too, she would talk about sum feeding him from her hands when he comes to her city and shit INFRONT OF ME.

And he would INSIST so much for several hours about who do I think is the most attractive guy in my class/batch until I say a name (b/C If I wouldn't, he would get mad and I knew the consequences), and then he after a few hours, he would get super mad.

Honestly, I would just walk on eggshells around him. So much happened I forgot most of it

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Why did I stay?

First, he had both of my parent's phone no., one he got from a screenshot, one he forced me to give him (thankfully, my dad's no. Got out of service) . And then he would force me to do everything he said, and if I wouldn't, he'd threaten to call my parents and tell them everything and other stuff. God knows, how many times I had to beg my mum to just give me her phone, and I would block him, and then he would call my mum's phone from another no., and then he would ask his other friend's to call her and THEY WOULD 😭🥀 also I was pretty blinded by everything at that age and thought love > self respect any day. That shit changed the trajectory of my life. Ig I deserved it for being so naive (but I was also like.. 14?)

I've spent so much of those 8 months feeling terrorized, emotionally drained and exhausted. If I would tell him someone complemented me and I was really happy, his words would be "they don't know what a bitch and a slut you're, if they knew, they wouldn't even spit on you, you're so disgusting you should be thankful I'm with you and I love you, don't think of yourself as too high or mighty, remember your place R word". And all this in the most harsh, cutting, abusive Rajasthani/haryanvi tone you can imagine.

Also, he cheated on me ofc

Anyways, moral of the story to those of you who want to have kids or Are themselves a kid : internet is not a safe space, and self respect > love.