i want someone to know what happened to me

me, you, your brother and your friend were on a trip

the night before i found out you had some kind of secret account, i wanted to go home. you berated me first. then you convinced me to stay because you didn't want to cause a scene. i felt bad, i didn't want to cause a scene for you either. my body hurt, i hadn't slept, and i felt like i had to make you happy because when you're happy you don't tell me all the ways you hate me and how im a nagger or a nitpicker, and all your bad behaviour is my fault, i make you act that way.

i was drinking and smoking weed. you were stone cold sober because you never like to drink/smoke. i just wanted to have fun and feel good. when i drink/smoke i dont feel hurt.

your brother and your friend start laughing at how drunk/high i was, you start laughing too. 'you're so fucked up' your friend says and i laugh as well

everyone turns in from the night. we cuddle in bed as we normally do. but what normally happens is some kissing and i go to bed. i get uncomfortable with sex and you know that. and i wouldn't have consented to someone who just the night before i found out had been lying to me.

you choose to initiate instead. rubbing on me. undressing yourself. i can't think because i'm too drunk/high to think. i was sleepy, so i just did what you told me. but i know if i was sober i would've pulled away from you. i know thats true. so i know that way i couldn't have consented. i know myself. i don't initiate, i'm too shy. i only ever follow along with what you tell me to do.

at some point i sober up a little. i feel scared. i feel confused. i'm tired and i wanted to go to bed. i'm leaning on you and you tell that somethings changed. you joke like 'did i make you tired?' why didnt you stop there? is enthusiastic consent not in your vocabulary? but i don't want to make a scene. i told myself i wouldn't make a scene. so i continue with what you wanted. i want to wash my hands, i want to go home. i don't feel good.

i wake up in the morning and i think maybe it was a misunderstanding. maybe you didn't think i was that drunk/high. maybe i was remembering wrong. because someone who loved me wouldn't try to patch a 'wrong' with a sexual encounter i didn't even want and wasn't ready for. a sexual encounter that would have never happened if i was sober because i was to uncomfortable, and too recently hurt by you to have said yes.

i try to do what i think you want me to do. i want our relationship to be better and that i don't want to cause problems for you. i tell myself i misunderstood, you wouldn't have hurt me like that, you were trying to tell me you love me. even though i keep washing my hands over and over at the sink i never feel better. i try to be happy, i try to flirt, you say hateful things to me and i try to swallow it down.

two weeks after putting my hand on your privates you tell me how you don't love me, and actually you hadn't loved me for a while. i would have never touched someone who didn't love me, either. i felt erratic and lost. i tried to appeal to you because if you didn't love me it wasn't a misunderstanding, it was something you did to me knowing i didn't want it and that there's no side to it where i would have agreed. you tell everyone im crazy, im negative, im erratic, im obsessive. somehow im a crazy person who is maladjusted and unstable because i just found out someone slept with me when they didn't love me, that they used sex against me knowing i didn't want it and would have never agreed to it.

after we break up i tell my friends because i wanted someone to talk to. i don't tell your friends, because i don't want to cause problems for you. you had already gotten then all to block me, anyways, saying how i was manipulating them even though they'd admit themselves 'we never knew what was happening with you two.' even though they'd admit themselves that they heard thousands of hours of your side of the story, that your brother had already gone around telling people stories about how i was 'toxic.'

i trusted the wrong people, and somehow you heard it anyways. you tell everyone im just playing victim. im a manipulator. im a liar. i was an abuser who was trying to ruin you. that actually i assaulted you, you didn't assault me, and somehow i'd stolen your story even though i had said it first.

your friends dont like me. your brother is just as abused by you. so they lie for you too. but they were there. they were there when i was getting drunk every night on our trip. you are all complicit.

DARVO tactics always. you abusers never try anything new.

i want someone to know my story of this night. what happened to me. i want someone to know the truth. i would never lie about this. i never even told it to anyone for a long time because i was scared of the backlash i'd get from you. this is the truth and nothing will ever change that.

i dont know the kind of person you have to be to lie about this. i dont know the kind of person you have to be to let your friend or your brother lie about this.

i just want someone to know the truth.