Can i even die

I attempted the other day. I took so many pills there was no way of survival. It was supposed to be an extreme overdose that left no chance, no questions.

But I took all those pills and then woke up, I slept for ages but kept waking up in a state where the world was unreal for a moment. I had to pee, the world felt like a dream and the visions pulsed around me. I fell asleep again.

I woke up and I felt sick, like a head cold. I was alive and well but felt dizzy when I stood. I acted like nothing happened, like I was all fine and well. I pretended like I was just hungover and hoped maybe the pills were delayed. Last time 8 almost killed me but apparently 40 this time didn’t count.

I am in a state I cannot explain. Where nothing feels real and I don’t want to exist but I don’t think I can stop it. I don’t know how to stop. Nothing will work. No matter how hard I try I will always survive.

So here I am. Surviving because maybe nothing is real and death is not an option

I think that maybe I can’t die. Maybe it’s useless trying. I can take it to the extreme, to the point it’s confusing how I’m still here. I don’t think I can die I think this is my punishment.