I'm so fucking done with myself

I have ADHD and struggled with it since I was a child. Never could do homework on time. Made commitments I didn't make good on. Lost many relationships as a result of a lack of drive on my end. I'm about to turn 26 and I'm still trying to get accepted into a degree program because I keep messing up the application process. I am trying to study to pass the national exams to become an EMT on my own because I felt like I learned close to nothing from the class I had. Everything I want to do takes me three times as long to do as anybody else, if I manage to be able to complete something at all. Yes, I've been seeing a psychiatrist. Yes, I've been trying meds. I'm trying to figure out what to do to solve me, but it's fucking hard to keep up with when I feel burnt out all the goddamn time. I feel like I'm constantly in a state of having *one last chance* to not completely forsake my potential for success, and after so long, it feels stupid to look forward to any. But I have to try anyway, because the only thing worse than trying and failing is giving up. But I want to give up. I want to give up so bad. I want to fake my death and live as a hermit somewhere far away where nobody has any expectations of me. I wish something outside my control would give me brain damage so I can peacefully sit still without "wasting my potential."

I distract myself with video games and stress-eating because it's difficult to handle the weight of the responsibility I put on myself whenever I confront my goals. And my partner sees it. It's the best relationship I've ever had, and she loses a little more faith in me every month. I see the writing on the wall. But I have to try. I have to believe I can complete my goals. Because, logically, it makes sense that I'd be able to. I'm smart enough.

It feels like I did something truly awful in a past life and this is some kind of karmic hell that gives me hope with the sole purpose of pulling it away. A coma would be nice.

To be clear, I don't want to commit suicide. But to be on the safe side, I put up that flair anyway.