A child named it

I consistently hear how I'm a mystery or that I don't talk about my life monster about myself much but there's a reason for that and the reason is very simple my life has not really been very pleasant for most of it especially my childhood and people don't like to hear about negative things a lot and if they do they tend to start shutting you out of their lives.

The other side of that coin is that they begin to pity you or try to judge you as being the same as the trauma that you experienced for example if you were molested they start to think that you might be a molester so on and so forth whatever so because my life has for the most part been f****** s***** for real I don't talk about it a lot.

These lessons were learned at a very young age and they carried on probably well into the into the teens where you were always always being moved and meeting new people and everybody's trying to diagnose you or you know figure out what kind of help you needed and they would take any kind of weakness or problems or struggles that you had and they would use them against you to either justify why you needed to be put on some kind of medication or why you need to be watched somewhere or be excluded from going out or they would decide that your problems more than they wanted to deal with and you would be left or moved or either way your world would f****** completely start over brand new with new people new place and the same thing over again and not having a life as a child and Friends sleepovers or any of that was rough so I learned that silence and internalizing feelings or problems or anything else was the safest way for me to get through life

The problem seems to be that even in my adult life this seems to be the way that things happen and when things finally get to be to the point that I can no longer keep them internalized and I start trying to share with somebody I am all together too much for them and they leave as well and I understand that the things in my mind can be heavy and that I can be a lot to deal with but I wish that you would understand and try to consider that if if it is at this point where I'm so hard to deal with can you imagine what it's like inside of my head cuz I am a strong person and I can handle a lot and I have carried a lot of weight for my whole life so this isn't new.

And the thing that seems to overload me the most and just shatter my sight and leave me f****** lost is when I fall in love with somebody and I lose them and I blame myself and then I hate myself some more and then I'm alone again. I Fall in Love easy I'm not going to lie but I love genuinely and with every bit of me so when that falls apart I leave a lot of me behind So when my mind perceives a threat to my heart it immediately kicks me into runaway because if we're not there or we can light ourselves and say that that's not what the case is then we can still hold on to that piece of us for a little bit longer or it kicks out another side of me it is so ridiculously f****** vengeful that I don't know how to handle it that's why I try so hard not to get angry or lose my temper or allow that part of me to come out.. I don't really have any hopes but you'll see this message or it'll make a difference in the way that you feel and that's okay I just wanted you to maybe understand a little bit better