Am I a narcissist?

Hey all, this is something I’ve been struggling with for a really long time; wondering if I’m a narcissist or just severely traumatized. I know CPTSD can have lots of overlapping symptoms for mannnnyy disorders across the entire spectrum. So I’m just looking for some feedback.

I’m almost 25 now, but ever since I was about 18 or 19, I’ve been terrified if I’m a narcissist. Mainly because I know it’s not curable and it terrifies me to think I could be stuck with such low empathy forever.

What makes me think I could be is the fact I was raised by a narcissist…maybe even a couple. So of course their traits rubbed off on my psyche and I’ve had to shed some of their beliefs over time. But also the fact that I serial cheated on my last partner…I do feel terrible about it and regretful but while I was doing it, I was able to compartmentalize so well that I lied, gaslit, and kept doing it over and over. And my performance was a damn good one cause my partner keeps saying they never in a million years would’ve guessed it. Which is lowkey so fucking heartbreaking. With some encounters, I felt nothing cause it was a quick sending nudes and flirting so I just thought of it as porn, which I know is terrible but it’s how I felt. But others, more affair like encounters, I felt so fucking guilty but I just didn’t have the impulse control or the heart to stop. But I also have a sex addiction that comes from csa and some other sexual trauma over the years, but mainly the csa. My lust issues have been a constant in my life that ruins many of my relationships or at the very least, leads me to impulsively make selfish decisions I later regret. Never assaulted anyone or pushed any boundaries, it’s moreso, lots of my relationships have taken sexual turns when I should’ve had more boundaries to keep them as friends, or hyper sexuality that leads me to having lots of one night stands that I later regret and feel gross about. Even though I feel remorse…it’s hard to not think I could be a narcissist because while it was happening, I knew it was wrong and would do it anyway. Both for instant gratification of my lust, and to feel validated and wanted by other people. I have a fluctuating self esteem, when I’m doing things I know are right for myself and others, I feel great. Not superior but just like a good human, especially considering I used to be selfish as SHIT when I was a teenager and was a menace to people. So it makes me feel good to know I’ve improved on how I care for others. But I can’t tell if I’m tricking myself into thinking I’m good just to save face for the fact I could be a fraud narcissist?? Or maybe that’s the trauma from my childhood abuse talking. But then sometimes I’ll have periods of low self esteem, specifically after traumatic events, and during these periods I can act very selfish and lustful and I can be very manipulative just to keep being able to have access to sex. And there’s been plenty of periods in my life where I have admittedly treated people like objects. It makes me upset with myself like how could I even just think like that?!

But outside of my romantic life, I don’t manipulate people and I don’t see a point, I care deeply for my friends and family and their success. I don’t wish ill on strangers and I believe in equality and equity, if I have more resources I believe in sharing vs hoarding and bragging. I’m not materialistic at all. And even in my romantic life, I’ve had relationships where I’ve been completely honest and genuine and not cheated, I know I’m capable, and I don’t like lying to my partners either. It’s uncomfortable, I don’t get a rush out of it. I have goals of my own I care deeply about like becoming a successful artist and being able to uplift my community, and I can’t tell if that’s a narcissistic goal or not just based on the status part of it all. But I eventually want to be a therapist one day as well because I do care about being able to help people understand themselves and learn how to function in society and live more comfortable lives, reassure people that change is possible even if it’s hard. And it has nothing to do with fixing myself or wanting to be able to psychoanalyze myself, I genuinely want to help others both through therapy and also my art. Sometimes I do think I’m smarter than a lot of people around me but thats mainly because I’m American and I think the common American is ignorant…compared to the average human or the rest of the world? I don’t think I’m even close to the smartest person and am verrrryyy ignorant to most things, myself. And I’ve had many moments in my life where I’ve had severe apathy…manipulated people for my own gain and just been a closed minded dickwad…but I’ve grown a lot from that period and I do have lots of empathy towards people. Which I know isss possible with NPD.

I’m just confused, and I don’t have a therapist yet but I’m looking for one cause narcissist or not, I don’t want to continue being a sex addicted liar in my relationships. I hate that when I get super close to people, I tend to get self sabotage-y and sometimes even a little mean. But I don’t want to be this way anymore, I can’t take hurting the people close to me anymore and I also can’t take constantly destroying my relationships. my inner traumatized child deserves an honest, sweet life and so do others, and that starts with me choosing to do the right thing. But it would be helpful to know if I’m a narcissist or not cause it could help give me a direction of the kind of treatment and exercises I could be doing to improve my life and others around Me.