Just needed to put this to words

Tomorrow, I'll be self harm free for a month, and I don't really want to be. It feels like too much of a commitment, like if I let it get to a month, I will be too far into it to ever relapse. My brain does this thing where when I stop doing bad habits, even for a day or two I freak out and I get obsessed with wanting to do it so much that it consumes me but this time, at the start at least, I didn't freak out, I felt fine but now it's the opposite. I got a single cat scratch on my hand and I keep staring at it. I was working on my computer and I kept zoning out and like staring at it and just thinking about how nice it would be to see more and then I realised I've been clean for awhile and I checked and this will be the first time I've been clean for a month in over 8 months. It feels too big, like if this happens I am commiting to something I'm not ready for. Cutting has always been an available outlet, I know it's bad for me but it's reliable. I just need to not freak out and do something stupid but nothing is distracting me enough