Feel like I’m not living the life God has called me for

Hi all, hope you are all doing well this week.

I’m a 20 year old student in a very prestigious university, living at home with parents (for financial reasons) and studying a difficult STEM degree. I should be happy, because I prayed and prayed, working my backside off to get where I am. I even retook exams because I was disappointed with my first effort, and my parents are so happy to say that their child goes to this uni, studying this degree. And, sure, it’s not awful hearing people’s ’Oh you must be smart’ when I tell them what I’m doing, but I’m actually very unhappy.

There’s the lonely side of things, which I won’t get into because I understand that’s common and likely the fault of my commuting, or even my own efforts. The people on my course are very different, and it does bother me, but my main sadness is that I know in my heart this is not the route for me.

I’m a very creative person, and back in ’high-school’ (I’m not American, sorry) my highest scoring subjects would be in the essay/creative writing subjects. I loved reading (I still do) and I was always complimented on my skill. However, the STEM subjects I struggled in and never enjoyed. I only pursued them because my parents believed this was the way for employment. In my heart, I always craved to write, and my skill in it solidified this yearning.

Well, now I’m in my first year and I feel stuck. My exams are round the corner and I cannot stop crying, not so much because of the exams themselves but because of how miserable I feel right now, trapped in a degree and potential career I’ll never enjoy.

The reason why it hurts so much is because I feel like I’ve ignored God’s signs for my life. Every level of school, I’ve always had ease with anything requiring writing and creativity, scoring highly, and yet I continued to go the ‘obvious route’. I think the worst part is my parents, who practically forced me into thinking this was the right path, are now saying how I should have done law or something similar, instead of this, as they can see that’s where my strengths are. Now they say it!

This is a rant, and I’m sorry but I just wanted to get insight from some like-minded Christians. A part of me wants to drop everything and just run away to somewhere isolated, where I can write to my heart’s content. I know a lot of people say it’s wise to prioritise making a living, but when we look at anyone ‘great’ do they put their passion on hold because that’s ‘wise’? I want to live a life fuelled by faith, not logic.