I only want to reconnect with my estranged mother after 11 years to scream at her.

I (28F) went NC with my family when I was 16 years old, it was supposed to be just my parents I cut off but with the help of my mother’s manipulation my entire family basically said that if I don’t want my mother in my life I won’t have any of them. So since I was 16 I’ve been basically alone, and though it was hard and lonely at time I managed to build a good life for myself. I have an amazing home, incredible friends, a loving partner, and a steady job. Nobody hits me or screams in my face, my life is peaceful, though I’ll admit it was a long road to get to this point.

Anyways, my mother always expected/hoped that I would crash and burn in the world and come crawling back to her and my father begging for forgiveness for leaving, I think she wanted me to tolerate their abuse for the sake of not being on my own, and I think at a certain point she realized I was never coming back and that made her panic. She will occasionally send gifts to me or letters, she sends verbal messages through the one family member I still talk to, I know she’s desperate to talk to me again.

The sad truth that I think my mother fails to grasp is that I only have one reason to see her: to scream in her face and curse her out and tell her all the ways she failed me as a mother. I don’t want to reconnect, I want to dump all the anger on her that I’ve been carrying around and say things that haunts her until she passes. I want her to cry, I want to say all the things I never said because I was 16 when I left and did not possess the language to explain my anger. I just want to word vomit everything. It’s awful, which is why I can never speak to her again, because I just want to hurt her and nothing positive could possibly come from that, and I don’t want to be the kind of person who enjoys inflicting pain on someone, so I stay NC.

Does anyone else feel the way I do?