Nothingness

I feel like I do this kind of post every month after finally getting my hopes up that anything could ever change or be something different. As I am still not back to my usual therapy and still doing autism tests every week I don’t know if this is even fitting because of my not determined final diagnose (I had this npd diagnose for almost a year now tho).

I again had to delete most of my social media accounts because I got so mad how stupid people could be. If I don’t feel extreme hate because of other people and how much they talk about topics they didn’t even read a single article on and just post their unconfirmed believes to a bunch of people that will just accept every information they ever hear, I just feel very empty since I went on lithium.

I mean in a way lithium is cool i guess because I don’t have SI everyday every single minute anymore but now its just total nothingness. I try to cope with splatter horror or gor3 and while it helped for a while I feel like ive seen most of the things that are „shocking“ and I don’t have the same effect anymore.

The same goes with intentionally watching relationship videos or videos about people feeling ugly. I watched those so much to eventually kill my own drive to achieve any personal connection ever again because at the end I always ended up in the mental hospital again. I would say it worked pretty well but there is nothing that can trigger anything in me other than hate.

I try to do things I like (I don’t actually like anything really but rather things I don’t hate as badly) reading listening to music or sleeping. I love psychology, science and philosophy and read a ton of it and like to create my own social philosophical modals with the influence of modern neuroscience and a bit of psychoanalysis but at the end I am my own worst enemy and the dumbest of them all.

While I love to hate other people for how stupid they are they are all doing better in life than I ever did or will. I do stuff nobody cares about and even for this Im to dumb. Sometimes my grandiose fantasies (I really don’t have them in the same way some of you have) start to show when I think about writing another chapter. I imagine myself as a great artist and scientish at the same time being famous but isolated. An Icon.

And then I will ask Ai what they think about my text and they tell me its garbage.

I don’t know nothing is fun nothing is bad everything is just nothing. Nothing I do matters nothing I think hasnt been thought about before. I cant change the people around me nor myself. Everything seems so helpless. Like I stated I don’t feel suicidal anymore like in an acute way but often times I wish I did. I feel like Im in a straight jacket not able to end my suffering but forced to keep walking in line til nature does its thing on its own. Idk a text for everybody and nobody