I’m Never Having My Own Kids — People Think It’s Because I’m Trangender

The truth is, I’ve wanted kids since I was 18 and could properly decide on what I wanted. I wanted to have my own babies. I love kids! I got my degree regarding children, youth, and families. I’ve worked at daycares. I’m passionate about child’s rights and advocate for a better world and parents and guardians for kids.

I’m getting a full hysterectomy next month. It’s being billed to insurance as, This FtM transgender wants their uterus removed as it doesn’t align with their gender identity. Well, that’s a little bit of a bonus in what has been an absurdly painful decision for me.

The truth is, my chronic pain has gotten so bad that my body could not handle pregnancy, nor birth. I am on opioids 4x a day. Even in the gaps between my medication, I am in agony. (At the time of venting this, I am in an active flareup. Apologize if it makes me emotional)

I also looked at my genetics, at my family genetics, and realized there’s so much going wrong actively in me, and it might only get worse for the next in line. Hell, what if my child is born disabled? How can I take care of them? Even if I had a partner who helped, an infant (with potential disability) is a LOT to handle (and I’m sure many of you know that personally!)

I’m excited to get this surgery over. My pain clinic is excited for me and they’re going to help with adjusting medications. I told the NP about what I was thinking and she, my OBGYN, and most others, said something along the lines of “You’re intelligent and reasonable. I would trust your judgement.”

My aunt is the only one who understands how raw and heartbreaking this is for me. I feel like I know I’m making the right decision, but it doesn’t take away the sting. It doesn’t take away the idea that this illness took away my one big dream in life.

I can still have kids. Adoption. Foster. Becoming a step-parent if things lead there. I think I’d be a good parent, and I’d treat any baby with the same respect and care they deserve. It’s just that this option was one I cared about.

Even on me being trans, I was excited to be a seahorse dad! That was something I was so excited about. It would have been a celebration of me and my little one, and the love and acceptance they would have coming into the world.

But because of this chronic pain, that won’t happen.

(Also, part of my chronic pain is due to a nerve crunch from my spine. According to my pain clinic doctor, my spine is basically squishing the nerves bundle that controls my legs. It’s taking my ability to walk, which, another major hurdle. Or what if something goes horribly wrong during birth? I feel like I’m at a higher risk.)

I’m 28, and as much as I hate to admit it, it feels like my life is over. I lost my job in Jan due to my disability (I couldn’t perform any work even for a WFH job), broke up with my partner of over 2 years last year that I thought I would marry, and now I’m saying goodbye to the dream I’ve held onto for a decade. If anyone has advice or stories that their life wasn’t over in their late 20s, it would be nice to share. If anyone else had to make this difficult decision, I’d also love to hear from you.

Grief is love in a very heavy coat.