Lost and broken

I don't know what i'm trying to achieve here. I keep going back and forth on everything. I've practically become desensitized to sex. Past traumatic sexual events from my last relationship. Lot's of cheating from her and sneaking behind my back. I allowed it, because maybe I didn't give her the attention she deserved. I don't know.

She came from a sexless marriage till she met me and we fucked like rabbits and I introduced her to all my kinks, and there was a lot.

Though I'm hung 8.5 thick, I've always had this submissive side to me. Not sure where it came from, but has grown more and more, especially when we really started to explore strapon sex. I always seemed to push the boundaries with her too. Kept telling myself, she'll leave me if I introduce to her xyx...

But she never did. Her past trauma kept her in our relationship, she's told me she wanted to please me, no matter what.

Truthfully I was always the type of guy that wanted girls to break up with me first so I don't have to break up with them. With her, neither of us could let each other go.

I even went full sissy with her, constantly dressing up and wearing chastity, little did I know she loved that side of me too.

She was a natural at dominating me with her strapon. I quickly became this power bottom for her. She would always say to me " you have a beautiful big cock, why do you become so submissive?" I could never give her an honest answer because I never knew myself.

My past trauma obviously showed up in those moments and in our relationship. I always had a strong urge towards sexual thing's, always pushing limits within the relationships and myself. Always chasing a high that I knew I would never reach. Though I kept trying.

She even fulfilled my ultimate fantasies of a bi sexual threesome, but it backfired in ways and I truly believe from that moment on it completely ruined me. I saw I liked it but I guess how I thought it would go turned out to be the exact opposite. Now when I rewatch it, I put myself through the trauma all over again. I tell myself I don't need it and shouldn't watch it, that I'm just reopening a bad wound, but in ways I’ve become addicted to the pain of seeing it. Sometimes just the sound of her moaning loudly from another man fucking her, feels like a knife cutting right through me. It's been almost 10 years since it happened and yet, in my most darkest and depressed day's I lean into it more. Expecting to see or feel something different but I know it's just my mind playing tricks on me.

These day's we've gone our separate ways but still talk everyday and remain very close. We both need to work on ourselves. I often slip back into memory lane saying to myself "I wish I would of pushed the boundaries more" and other times I say "I wish we were healthy enough to appreciate one another"

I know I'll never get the answers I'm looking for or the justification from it. Truthfully I don't think there is an answer.

I've always felt broken my entire life and though I'm in therapy and I'm always honest in session, I've become addicted to the pain, because I know it's all my brain has ever known.