I hate myself every day

I don’t think I’ve ever loved myself. I was taught I was sinful from when I was born. I was groomed into never liking boys and only to jump straight into marriage. Never ever aloud to be who I am and now I don’t even know who I am.

Even after my trama from mental abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse, I can’t think but wonder why I’m even alive. I actually think I can finally be honest with myself and say no one really loves me because the good parts and the bad parts are all just a weird mask.

I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I used to be on this weird numb train when everything I did was on auto pilot. All through high school.

I want to never breathe or think again.

I always thought I’d be a mother one day, but I don’t think I’d do a good job. Or the kids would hate me.

Without the mask I’m nothing more then a shallow exhausted person who’s mind is always racing and anxiety never ceasing.

My father, although has done good for me, has also made me into this struggling desperate person who will never know what it’s like to be myself. Thanks dad.

No real friendships. Nothing. I have nothing. On paper it would say otherwise.

I just want it to all end. I can’t rest, I just want rest.

I was such a fucking idiot and now being through shit I can actually see clearly. I am and will always be a fucking moron but at least now I know people will try and take advantage any way they can. Use my anyway they can for themselves. I’m done. Idk how I can change my habits of always being the fucking silent weak person I am but I’m not faking it anymore.

I just want everyone to fuck off. I just want the people who do maybe care to not forget I’m struggling within a day. Like ik it’s not their fault but I don’t feel normal. I’m not normal.