when will it ever get better

i’m so tired, i’m still very early in recovery (a bit over a month) but im genuinely so tired. having to feed myself has become such a chore, but every time i start eating it feels like i can’t stop and then the guilt sets in. i still have three meals and a few snacks whenever i get peckish bc the hunger is something i can no longer suppress. but it’s just all so tiring, i wish i didn’t have a body and mind that makes a mere necessity of survival the biggest issue in my life.

restrictive eating made my depression so much worse and i started feeling a lot better after increasing my intake. but as of late i feel like i’m equally as depressed as i was deep in my ed but it’s just a different kind of depression. i feel my body changing, i don’t have the emotional crutch that restricting provided me, there is so much guilt. the thought of food, eating, my body, my existence, it all makes me so depressed. eat until i’m not hungry anymore, both mentally and physically, but then i start feeling worse than before i ate.

i tried seeing a social worker specializing in eds and it didn’t help at all. it kinda made me feel worse tbh. i’ve lost nearly all faith in professional mental health treatment after 5+ years of different therapists, types of therapy, psychiatrists, medications… none of it has helped. but anyways just needed a place to rant :’)