Sick and tired of always being grateful and putting my extended AFamily first

I’m so sorry for the long ramble. I’m really upset and stressed and tired so I need to vent.

TLDR: AMom is upset I didn’t include her siblings to a “vacation” that is happening between international moves for immediate family to meet my daughter. Said hurtful things and I finally pushed back. Now I’m the bad guy.

I (30F) was adopted at birth by two loving parents who could not have babies of their own. I’m fairly sure my mom had a few miscarriages, but they married later in life and adopted me when my mom was 41 and my dad was 47. It was an open adoption, and I met my bio parents and younger siblings when I was 9. We have a great relationship and I see my bio mom as like a favorite aunt type of relationship. I’m very close with my siblings too.

I’m fairly sure my mom adopted me thinking we would be besties, I’d be her perfect little shadow, and she pictured a daughter joined at her hip into old age. I am not that. I grew up in a family who hated each other and thus spent most of my life with just my parents and I. Every holiday just meant more dishes for me to do and acting extra grateful. Honestly, it was quite lonely. Like yeah we always had food and my Christmas gifts were nice, but it was always just the 3 of us. Holidays just meant being extra grateful and more dishes to do. It was lonely. By the time I was 17 I was gnawing at the bit to leave for college out of State.

I’ve always been grateful to my parents for giving me a good and privileged life. If I wasn’t adopted out, I know my life would have been considerably different and I wouldn’t have had the opportunities I’ve had. The problem is, I’m expected to hold my parents (mom in particular) on a pedestal. She can do no wrong. I was raised to never say no to her, and I have trouble saying no even today.

I was also expected to be eternally grateful and obsessed with our little family unit. It was just me and my parents mostly because even though my mom came from a huge family (6 siblings) they all can’t be in the same room for long without fighting. They also didn’t have many kids so there are only three cousins. Family reunions were few and far between, and were almost always for my grandmom who was the glue to them. After she passed, the only times they all got together was for huge events like my college graduation and my wedding. Otherwise they make very little effort to all get together. Maybe a weekend here and there with two of them, but all of them haven’t gotten together for years.

I am now a mom myself with a 3 month old living abroad with my husband, whose job lets us travel and live internationally. We are scheduled to move again this summer to another international location even further from the US. My mom was so upset she left the call when I told her. She was upset about my move to Europe three years ago, so I’m not surprised she was upset but I was surprised she handed the phone to my dad and then didn’t say anything to me for a week. I was 35 weeks pregnant at the time so it didn’t feel great not being on speaking terms with my mom.

In the past four months, the guilt tripping and familial expectations have been too much and for the first time I told her off with very strong language.

We are planning on spending ~2 weeks in the US between moves. She wanted me to stop over near where most of her family live, and spend our whole time off allotment between locations with them. My husband also has family and I am close with my birth parents so we want to see them so they can all meet their new grandchild. My parents met her a few weeks ago when they flew out to visit.

I am planning a rental during our 2 week time off period and told the dates to my parents, my in laws, and by bio family. We are doing a single rental and inviting people to come to us because we will have the baby plus our pets and I have no interest in traveling more than I have to with all them in tow. When I told my mom she may be overlapping with my FIL for dates, she immediately was unhappy that 1) I did not extend the invite to my aunts but invited my bio parents and 2) there was overlap. She started saying things like “your aunts have done more for you than your bio parents” and “how many will be dead before you move back home?” First, it’s a 3 year assignment. None of my aunts are sick or dying so unless something tragic happens they will all be alive in 3 years. Second, I told my mom MANY times that I will be a SAHM for the next few years so I can travel more and bring the baby for longer trips now that we don’t need to juggle my vacation days and my husband’s. But those comments seriously hurt. And more importantly, she didn’t care that we wanted my husband’s dad to meet his grandkid too. And my bio fam? She knows I love them and they are important to me. She also gets along well with them so the hostility was a bit surprising. This is their only grandchild and they are excited to meet her too.

I told her off for the comments towards my bio fam and the guilt tripping about my family members maybe dying, and for expecting me to include my extended family when immediate family haven’t met my daughter yet. Now she is icing me out again. My dad told my husband that she is “hurt by my cruelty.” It’s just EXHAUSTING never being good enough and needing to include/appease everyone. Exhausting to always have to do the most for family who can’t be in the same room together. Like I love my aunts but i do not want to be the catalyst to their reunions. They never get together, they hate each other. But somehow it’s my fault for not going to see them (they live in different states). I wish they would plan reunions and INVITE me. I would gladly travel for that but travel through multiple states in the limited time off i have when coming from another country? Nope. And now with an infant? Hell no. I sent screenshots of her comments to my best friend and she was shocked at her hostility towards me and my bio fam. She said my replies were nicer than I should have been.

Thanks for reading. I’m steamed and probably exhausted but I am really hurt by my AMom and as a mom myself now it’s hard to not fly off the handle at her and her hypocrisy. I love my family but I am not bending over backwards anymore to make them all happy and feel included. They are all 60+ adults. They can organize their own reunions.