Was assaulted by my Father

My father was an alcoholic and used to physically assault my mom on a regular basis. When i was around 8 i tried to speak up and he beat me with stick and belt. A year later my mom passed away due to overdose of drugs. And after that it started he would randomly get mad and punish me at start it was curses and beating after some 6 months it turned into something sexual he will beat me the same but made me strip. Then the dreaded nigt came when he sexually assaulted me , i cried but it didnt matter. In morning he started acting like he cared its nothing bad and telling me u will love it. And i Got manipulated with toys and presents.He started taking his frustration out on me .He made me do things i cant even write. I started doing whatever he said to escape beatings. I had nowhere to go. It happened throughout my teenage.

At last I left the house when i got into college. It was nice. Through out college i seeked relationship and got into many but not one was stable. I was always stressed when it came to my sexuality. I never went home in my holidays. I satyed in my dorm or friends house. It was my happy place.

The thing that haunts me today and i feel ashamed is that after my college finishe i wentback home. Everything seemed normal i was job hunting and it was going great i had interviews lined up. my father got sick during this time turns out he got cancer. And i took care . During this time i did many things putting food in his mouth washing him , helping him to the loo, visiting hospital. And it happened again when i was washing him he started asserting himself i tried to avoid it but then i dont know how but I gave in and suddenly i was his whore again. He used to always say you loved it didnt u. After a month he passed away.
And i feel like was it all my fault. I am in therapy now for 3 years i get better but then again i think of the time when i took his care and that I CHOSE IT .