today’s a year

tw for suicide//

a very good friend of mine took her life a year ago. grief is weird and it taught me a lot about myself. i was really sad and then really angry and then really sad again. i think im still sad but it’s become a sadness for her. i think of everything she’s now missing out on. i think she would’ve lived a wonderful life. sometimes i’ll go somewhere and think about how much she would’ve wanted to go there. i think about her having a family of her own in the future and i think about the lost time with her family right now. my grief was a selfish one before, it was anger at the time i missed with her. the plans we didn’t get to see through. it was a lot about me but now im just sad she won’t get to see this world and live in it anymore. i’m sad that she died with a lot of sadness and hurt in her heart. she died seeing people say the worst things possible about her and she died seeing people hate her. i genuinely hope there’s some sort of afterlife or anything that lets her see that no one hates her and how missed she is. sometimes i feel stupid for grieving after a year now but i’m okay with it as long as she remains alive in my thoughts and heart and i’ll carry her existence with me throughout my life. i hope she’s at peace and somewhere nice. i hope her family is doing okay.

i’ve never been good with anniversaries or birthdays. i hate the passage of time. today’s hard and it’s only been 3 hours of today and it’s so hard.