I was raped but am I also a rapist? F24

Okay I’ll try to make a long story short. I am a 24 year old woman. When I was 22, I had this 18 year old male coworker that I was pretty sure was gay but I thought he was kinda cute. He was on the shorter side too..only 5’6.

We became pretty close. I gained his trust pretty easily. I kinda made him feel special, I would always buy him lunch and tell him he was doing a great job.. after work he always wanted to hang out (nothing sexual happened at that point, we would just smoke,paint, watch movies, etc.)

One night..things got a bit carried away. I did kinda preplan this. I decided this time we hung out it would be different. We would drink. We only smoked together up until this point.

I would make him think drinking was HIS idea..

and that’s exactly what happened.

After work, he came over and we started to smoke. I handed him the joint then went to pour myself a drink. Vodka with a splash of ginger ale.

He looked at me pouring my drink..he hesitated for only a moment before asking for one himself. I giggled and said “Idk I don’t think you can handle it.” He then got defensive saying he drinks all the time. So I gestured for him to pour himself a drink and he jumped up.

Anyway, fast forward…we keep drinking..I started to make his drink after the first one and I made it stronger each time…I could see it was really effecting him. He started getting touchy, giggly and flirty…I had an evil idea. I had a pink dildo and strap on I didn’t get to use on a guy yet…so I decided now would be my chance. I took it and showed him..I was messing with him and even rubbed it on his face.

He was just laughing telling me to stop. I just casually said “you should suck it”. He was confused, drunk, and sloppy…but he still did it. I thrusted forward and he gagged..nearly throwing up. I apologized..but then I put the strap on..actually on. He watched me take off my pants and put it on. He started to look really nervous. So I asked him “You’re gay right? Don’t pretend you don’t like cock..”

He just shook his head saying he wasn’t gay but he was giggling, like I wasn’t serious. I told him to roll over and take down his pants. He said no…but I pressured my very drunk coworker into doing it.

I spat on his hole..rubbing the tip of the strap on against it. He was out of it but moaning it sounded like…so I spat on the dildo..then shoved it in more..he groaned in pain saying it hurt..but I kept going.

He kept telling me to stop and I didn’t stop.

He was a whimpering, drunk mess as I pounded away…he ended up cumming all over himself. Even though he kept saying no.

I helped clean him up after that. He ended up passing out on my couch. The next morning..he wasn’t upset or anything. He just said “Last Night was crazy huh?” I smiled and made us coffee. He said

“We should drink together more often.”

I don’t know to this day if I raped him or not..because he did seem to enjoy it. I’m surprised he remembered some of it considering how drunk he was. Maybe I truly made him think he wanted it..

Love to hear your thoughts. Please I don’t want any judgement, I know this wasn’t my most morally correct moment. I think it was a “taking the power back” thing for me. Anyway, please let me know your opinions on this. Sorry this was kinda long.