I’m slowly starting to hate my mother.

It takes a lot of courage for me to type down here my resentment towards my own mother. I slowly realized na para ako yung ginagawa nyang emotional punching bag sa lahat ng problema niya, and i don’t want to admit it dahil mahal ko ang mama ko but nahihirapan ako to work out our relationship as a mother-daughter dahil seperate akong lumaki sa parents ko.

For context: I was adopted ng mga lola ko (tita ng mother ko na mga walang anak) so lumaki ako na walang amor sa parents ko especially sa mother ko. She constantly compared me nung bata ako and mas makikita ko talagang mas mahal niya yung brother ko kesa sakin. She visited me once in a while kung gusto nya, yung mga lola ko rin have some toxic comments about her. She’s also very selfish na parang narcissist talaga siya. My tita (her sister) admits that na ganyan talaga yung ugali ng mother ko— even yung mga personal things ko kinukuha niya na hindi nagpapa alam kaya nung nagsalita ako about it, siya pa yung galit sakin or parang ako pa yung mali dahil ayoko mag pa share ng mga personal things ko. She doesn’t spend a penny sa mga needs niya sobrang kuripot talaga, inuuna niya yung ibang tao kesa samin. When I am trying to confront her about the problems nagiging physically abusive siya or ayaw niyang dinadaan sa mahinahong usapan yung problema namin— and super defensive niya about something na siya yung fault, nagiging pa-victim siya or emotional sa bagay na siya naman yung may kasalanan solely.

Naipon na yung lahat2 niyang ginawa and i snapped, she is threatening me to stop going to school dahil incoming college ako, parang pinapa feel niya saki napabigat talaga ang danas ko sa buhay niya she complained to me na she regret having me or us in her life. Emotionally drained nako sa kanya ayoko na talaga, gusto kong mag give up pero ang hirap talaga. Ang hirap niyang mahalin bilang magulang, we are taught to love our parents yes and respect them but nakaka toxic yung ginagawa niya dahil “anak kalang” so i should know my place.

I don’t what to do anymore…