36, finishing grad school on a campus, and feeling "broken" physically and socially. How do I get out of this rut?

I’m 36 and I’ve hit a wall. I’m 175cm and 95kg (been fat a long time), and while I’ve started working out, the body dysmorphia is still winning. I’m finishing up my graduate degree and actually live on campus in a major city, which I think is making things worse. I’m basically invisible on the apps: no hits, no conversations, nothing. I literally only ever get texts from spambots or folks selling an onlyfans sub. I feel like an outlier in a sea of 20-year-olds.

It’s created this massive mental block. I’ve never even learned to swim because I’m too ashamed to be seen in a suit. I don’t go to bars because I don’t drink and I have this self-conscious hang-up that everyone is judging me the second I walk in. I’ve never even had the nerve to try a bathhouse because I've got a smaller than average dick and I just don't feel "marketable."

The most frustrating part is the physical side. I consider myself a bottom, but because I have so little experience and am so chronically tense, I can’t even finger myself or use trainer plugs/dildos without injuring myself. I’ve been dealing with recurring fissures and hemorrhoids just from trying to prep. Because of this, I usually just end up doing "side" stuff, but I really want to be able to bottom without it being a medical emergency. It feels like my brain and my body are both working against me.

I’m starting to feel pretty isolated and, honestly, a bit worthless in the gay scene. I know I’m not the only guy who isn't a "10," but I don't know how to break out of this cycle of isolation and physical pain.

How do you guys handle the "invisible" feeling without just spiraling? And for the bottoms who used to be high-tension—how did you actually learn to relax enough to stop the injuries?