I’ve been SA and groomed in every relationship I’ve been in

I’ll be 21 in may, I need need to let this out somehow. I’m sorry it’s so long with a lot of trigggering content ahead.

When I was 15 I dated a E, he was 17, he attempted to rape me when I was extremely drunk, he layed me on the bed, and I had told him multiple times before that I was a virgin and wasn’t ready. I remember drunkly telling him I didn’t want to so many times and he didn’t listen and tried to lift up my skirt and I felt his dk on my entrence, only when I screamed “I told you no” he stopped, but I’m almost a 100% sure it was because there were other people in the room, also extremely drunk, but otherwise I don’t think he would have stopped.

When I was 16 I was seeing D, he was 23, he raped me and gave me VPH, and that was how I lost my virginity.

When I was 16 I dated M, he was 21. I would go out to parties and drink with him and I remember one time he gave me cocaine, like literally put the key with the cocaine in my nose and i remember I was already drunk and I was trying to vent to him about something and he kept putting the key in my nose and saying things like “yeah yeah”.

He left me for his ex (who was also 16). Then we got back together, and then he left me for a girl who was 14 fucking years old bro. We were all little.

When I was 17 I dated a guy that was 22 I think, Z, I don’t know if it counts as rape, but I was also really drunk and so was he and he took me to the bathroom and told me to turn around, I didn’t turn around and told him “we are not fucking in here” but he said “I told you to turn around” and did it anyway. We kept seeing each other after that bc I thought I was exaggerating and that I was overreacting.

When I was 18 I dated a guy that was 28. L, he was my phycologist for a few sessions until they fired him bc they found out. I didn’t know at that moment, I found out later he had a wife and 2 girls.

And when I was 18 I dated a guy that was 28. H. It was the worst most repulsive relationship I have ever had. A lot of my hate for men come from him. He was a drug addict, he raped me so many times, he would tell me “we are going to do it even if you don’t want to”. He put me in danger so many times, he would manipulate me so much and so many other things.

It makes me sad to realize that all my moments of intimacy are with people that forced themselves into me or coerced me into accepting. No one took me seriously, my dad knew about M that was 21 when I was 16 and he didn’t say anything because apparently he didn’t think it was weird at all.

I tried to tell my sister so many times about my first rape (D) after it happened and she kept trying to defend the guy. She would tell me things like “it’s not like he forced you” “would you fuck him again” or jokingly tell me that I was a whore. It took so much for her to belive me that it was rape, I had to tell her that he physically held me down for her to finally belive me.

What makes me more angry is that I remember telling her that day to please not leave me alone with him, and I remember we were with one other friend (my sister, the friend, the guy and me) and my sister grabbed our friends hand and got her out of the room to give us “alone time”. When I told her I didn’t want to be alone so many times.

But she was young too I guess, and drunk but idk. Now she tells me she regrets it, and that she remembers the look in my eyes when she started walking away with out friend and she feels a lot of guilt. I didn’t tell her but I’m still angry.

And my last rape with the guy that was 28 (H) I remember I couldn’t leave because I didn’t know where my sister was and I was waiting for her there (with the guy). And just because she wasn’t answering me (and I didn’t want to leave without her) I stayed with him and that happened.

When I texted her what happened she shrugged me off again and this time I told her “bro I just told you what he did and you’re ignoring me like that” and she said something like “I think you should talk to him about it that you felt pressured”. Something like that.

And also a few days ago she showed me a picture of the psychologist (L) and made a “woooo” sound. I didn’t say anything but bro he was 10 years older than me. Or idk maybe I’m exaggerating.

At the same time she was also very groomed and SAd in many many occasions, so I don’t want to judge her. Maybe not seeing the seriousness in this situation it’s her way of coping with the trauma. Shes not a bad person and she has grown and asked me for forgiveness a lot.

Since my last rape (H) I’ve been celibate for almost 4 years.

I’m so fucking angry at everyone, at my family that didn’t care, I hate men, I’m sorry but I can’t help it I see them as disgusting greedy lustful monsters that live to corrupt everything they see. I’m so mad and heartbroken bro, I thought I was fine and was getting over it but now I’m crying eyes out typing this.

What pisses me off the most is that NOW that I’m fucking grown my family says things like “ohhhh we will protect you you can count on us” ???

I’m fucking grown now. I don’t need you anymore, I needed you when I was a teenager getting raped and groomed. And I feel like they just say it now because they know they won’t actually have to prove their words since I can protect myself now.

I don’t want to live angry. But I’m so so so fucking mad I can’t help it, at everyone. I’m so angry and disgusted and full of hate. I want to take therapy but currently I have a job that is 10-11 hour shifts, I nearly have time for anything and I end up so exhausted.

And tbh I don’t have much hope for it. I had some therapists in the past, 1 that made everything worse everyone, the other one made fun of me in one occasion, and the last one didn’t take me seriously, and I found out when I cried in one of her sessions, she was going around telling the other therapists and doctors things like “I finally made her break” or something like that. Others I feel like they didn’t take me seriously but it could also be in my head I think.

I would rather heal myself but tbh I don’t even know what to do. I just want to stop feeling like this. I want to be happy, I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to live angry with my heart full of hate, I want to enjoy the beauty of life, I want to heal, I want to move out. I want to be away from everyone in this house.

Sorry if it was long and triggering. Have a nice night everyone.