I am the bad guy they all talk about. A post from a Cheater. 21M

I know I might get downvoted to hell for this, but I still wanted to share after seeing so many posts about cheating.

I (21M) cheated on my girlfriend(22F) (who was also my best friend). It all ended a month ago, and when I met her last week, I told her everything that had happened throughout the relationship. I did something terrible, and there hasn’t been a single moment in the last month where I haven’t cursed and hated myself for it. The relationship was of 1.5 years, and we were really good friends before that for another 1.5 years.

People often say, “once a cheater, always a cheater,” or that cheaters don’t feel remorse or never really loved you. But I want to ask have you ever actually talked to a cheater who was close to ending everything because of the guilt? I think people often confuse cheaters with those who just play around. The mindset is very different.

Yes, I know cheating is a choice, not a mistake. And in my case, it became a pattern. It started 3-4 months into the relationship. I flirted with someone else just to feel validated. I had been cheated on in the past, and I carried this constant fear of it happening again. So whenever there was a rough patch, I would seek validation elsewhere.

And why didn’t I feel it was cheating at the time? Because I had convinced myself that cheating only meant committing to someone else or getting physically involved. That justification kept things going. Over time, it escalated I ended up flirting with 5 different girls while being in the relationship.

Did I not love my girlfriend? I did. I still do, and I guess I will keep loving.

Then how could I hurt someone I loved like this? The only way I can explain it is I wasn’t fully myself in those moments. I was emotionally detached from my own self, like a fragmented version of who I am. (I’ve been reading about this through IFS maybe someone with more knowledge can explain it better.)

Did I apologize? Yes. Will it fix anything? Probably not.

There hasn’t been a single day where I don’t think about her. The panic attacks are regular. I even tried to end things once because I couldn’t carry the guilt people intervened. Nights are the worst. I haven’t slept properly in 39 days ,just 2-3 hours at best. My health has taken a hit, even my heart (cardiac health. Got a heart attack)

If there’s one thing I want anyone reading this to take away: never cheat on someone you love. The guilt will destroy you anyway. In my case, it’s worse because I didn’t just betray my partner I betrayed my friend, my safe place. I broke one of the sweetest, smartest people I’ve ever known.

I keep listening to her voice notes, her giggles, and it kills me knowing I’m the reason that person became cold and distant.

Do I want to fix everything? More than anything. I’m working on the root cause, going to therapy, trying to be more honest every day, trying to become a better person.

Will I ever get the chance to make things right? I don’t know. That’s up to her .. and God. All I can do is accept it and keep working on myself and keep praying (Till I am here)

I just hope she heals well. I know her exams must be going on, and I know she’ll do amazing.

Thanks for reading.

I’d genuinely like to hear your thoughts. And if anyone has gone through something similar on either side how did you deal with it?