Im so confused…

i highkey get dopamine from being called a guy or seen as a guy. (have for a long while) like not just a little dopamine, but A LOT. i have a second account on TT where people think i’m a guy and when me and my friend are on discord servers they all think i’m a guy everytime and it feels great being called a he or treated like a guy. its like that same dopamine i got when i was trans in middle school, especially when my friend plays along and calls me a he in those servers. like why was i SO much more confident when i was in my “trans phase” compared to now? i mean i love doing makeup and being girly and things, but i think about my looks constantly compared to when I was perceived as male. i was confident as fuuuck. the way women treat me when they think im a guy is great too, i get way more attention from them and way less attention from men which just doubles the dopamine. i sometimes wish i was a cis male or wish that i had a machine that i can switch from being a cis male or a cis woman whenever i want. idk, but i think im gonna stay anonymous on my discord and second account because when they call me he on those it feels so good, even though thats probably fucked up to lie like that. and then after my next two cosplays im gonna take off my eyelash extensions and start cosplaying full male characters too without genderbending them. i think that could possibly help a little, we’ll see. ive been feeling like this for a real long time, so i tried going by they/them a long while ago but that doesnt give me the same feeling at all.

something else thats more fucked up? when i think about transitioning to a guy it gets me excited, but then theres a big part of me thats still like “wait… no but i’d miss being a girl.” i mean what the hell? is this even normal?