3 months into marriage — I thought I lost myself, but maybe I just needed perspective

A couple of months ago, I wrote here feeling frustrated, irritated, and honestly a little lost in my marriage. I felt like I had sacrificed too much of myself — my lifestyle, my independence, even parts of my identity.

There’s a clear difference between how I was raised and how things work in my husband’s family. I knew that before getting married, but actually living it every day hit very differently.

The first 1–2 months were tough. I kept thinking, “What have I done?” Even small things felt big — routines, expectations, household habits. I felt like I was turning into someone I didn’t recognize.

But now, a little over 3 months in, I see things with a lot more clarity.

What I didn’t understand earlier is that adjustment isn’t one-sided. I’m adjusting, but so are they.

My in-laws, especially my mother-in-law, have been more supportive than I expected. She genuinely wants me to study, build my career, and not get stuck in household work. She has literally told me to focus on myself and not stress about chores.

At the same time, yes — there are traditional expectations.

For example, I’m expected to cover my head in front of my grandfather-in-law. Do I personally find it logical? Not really. But is it harming me? Also no.

So I’ve learned to pick my battles.

If I’m going to the gym in the morning and coming back in my workout clothes, I’ll just take a dupatta, cover my head when needed, help out quickly, and move on. It’s a small adjustment that keeps the peace.

There are also a lot of small “rules” — like how certain things are done in the kitchen or while serving food. Some of them honestly feel silly to me. But they’re not enforced in a harsh way. If I do something differently, I’m corrected politely, not criticised.

So I’ve stopped reacting to everything.

Instead, I’ve started asking myself: Is this actually harming me, or just different from what I’m used to?

That shift has helped a lot.

I should also mention this because it was something I initially struggled to understand. I come from a Jat family, and so does my husband, but my mother-in-law is extremely religious and follows a lot of rituals and fasts — to the point where it honestly feels like she has very traditional Brahmin/Pandit-like beliefs. There are a lot of small customs and “rules” that, from my perspective, can feel unnecessary or even a bit superstitious. But at the same time, none of it comes from a place of control or negativity. If anything, she has a very giving and soft nature — she’ll go out of her way to care for everyone, share whatever she has wholeheartedly, and never comes across as greedy or harsh. So while I may not relate to all her beliefs, I’ve started seeing the intention behind them, and that’s made it much easier to accept her as she is.

I’ve also found my own routine now. I go to the gym with my husband, take rest when I need to, help out at home when it makes sense, and still get time for myself.

And my husband has been a huge reason this is working. He balances his parents and me in a way where I don’t feel sidelined, and he openly acknowledges that his family is also evolving.

One thing I want to say, especially after reading a lot of comments earlier — not every situation needs an extreme solution like “just move out.”

I don’t want to move out.

I have my own floor, my privacy, and honestly, I value living in a family setup. I grew up with grandparents, and I want that environment in my life too.

What I did need was perspective.

I realized I was expecting everyone to immediately adapt to me, without giving them the same time I needed to adjust.

And that wasn’t fair.

This doesn’t mean everything is perfect. It just means I’ve stopped seeing everything as a problem and started finding a middle ground.

If you’re newly married and struggling — give it some time, observe, and then decide what truly matters.

Not everything is worth fighting over. And not everything is worth sacrificing either.

Somewhere in between is where things start making sense.