consequences of it

i’m an adult now and tried (but failed) to have sex for the first time. it was so fucking awful. it felt like i had a pit in my stomach, i don’t think i was ready for it but i kept pushing myself to do it. it wasn’t like he was being pushy or sexually assaulting me, he literally kept asking if i was okay and reassured me we can stop but i told him i wanted to keep going. it felt like i went on autopilot, i just did what i thought he or most guys wanted. i didn’t want to think what was i okay with or want, i just wanted him to continue liking me. this kinda mirrors my thought process i had while being groomed and i just feel sick knowing i never grew out of it.

we ended up not doing it and stopped because i think he could tell i was uncomfortable or because i kept prolonging the foreplay (because i didn’t want to do the actual thing). he asked if i was okay again but we stopped talking after this. i hate myself. i want to reiterate he did not sexually assault me, i just have issues