Coping with the loss of one of my fish

Flushed an alive fish and I don’t know how to cope

My fish got stuck in its filter and was half torn apart and barely breathing in the tank, I took him out and while I was flushing the fish he started trying to swim and was breathing. I feel awful I just flushed a live fish and didn’t even think to try a different method. Half of him was completely gone and now I’m convincing myself he was perfectly fine somehow

I don’t want to say I panicked but I kinda blanked out and my only thought was get him out of the tank.

I have clove oil on hand too.. I could have done it humanly. I feel so awful and I don’t know how to cope with it