I’m angry all the time now and it’s ruining everything

I’m not, by nature, an angry person. I’m not going to try to dissect why I’ve become one but I’m just so, so angry and full of hurt and I can’t begin to figure out why or how to fix it. Im newly postpartum with my first baby and it’s sent me down a spiral that I can no longer control or conceal.

I have a loving, kind, husband and I used to be a loving and patient partner too. Over the last few years, that has changed. It started with my aggravation surrounding my step kids and has slowly turned into something that’s consumed my marriage. I know I should be happy. I have so many things I’ve prayed for but I’m just not. I’m RIDDLED with anxiety, I can’t sleep at night no matter how tired I am, I instigate arguments for no reason, I’m unhappy no matter what job I have, the most peace I have is when I’m alone. Yet, when I’m alone, I miss my husband and am excited to see him. Then he gets home and it’s like my mood tanks and I’m suddenly aggravated. Im so mean to him and I just don’t fucking know why. I don’t want to be, I adore him. I just can’t let go of things that have upset me in the past, it’s like the hurt hasn’t left even though I thought it had. My husband and I argue constantly now and it’s been this way for quite some time. He says that it seems as though I just want to continuously rehash our problems but never solve them. And while yes, I am postpartum, all these things were an issue long before pregnancy but t’s just now reaching a boiling point that neither one of us can take much more of. This is going to end my marriage if I can’t get ahold of my mental health. An argument tonight ended with me finally collapsing and screaming “help me” over and over. I don’t know why, it just came out and now I’ve accepted something is truly wrong with me. I just want to feel okay.

Ive tried Buspirone, Prozac, and Wellbutrin prescriptions and didn’t feel improvement. I start lexapro tomorrow at the recommendation of my OB and psychiatrist. I don’t feel very optimistic given my past experiences… I just want things to get better, we both so close to breaking and it’s my fault.