Help. Husband with PTSD/TBI fears I will hurt him during his current episode and the VA believes he is in danger instead of addressing his delusion/melt down.

I don’t know what to do, I am beside myself. I know this is so long and I am so sorry. I tried to find a better sub to put this in and couldn’t find one and I just don’t know what to do.

My husband spent 12 years in the Navy. I never imagined I’d end up in love with a military man, but I did. The people he speaks of from his time in were good folks so I figured I would reach out to others who were in the same boat(figuratively) as him.

Today, days later, ten minutes after returning home from the store after a normal morning, the police showed up at our home.

They asked if he needed to go to the VA, he said yes, I was totally confused because he has come to me when he was not ok before and we dealt with it or took him to get help.

This time he said he wanted to go with them.

I didn’t know what else I could do I mean if he’s not OK then he’s not OK and I figured that with the police at the door, me trying to do what we normally do when he has an episode was not going to happen. I lay or sit with him and we just breathe together so his nervous system can regulate itself, so he feels safe again from whatever his triggered panic was. I had to just let him go. I didn’t even understand at this point what was going on fully.

He walked out the door and shut it because we have dogs and then realize sometime later that his car was gone. The police let him drive himself there? That part of this was so strange to me but not the crux of why I am posting.

Long story short apparently something triggered him while he was at the grocery store and he went into one of his totally disassociated delusional episodes.

His tone of voice literally changes and his gait how he carries himself changes. He doesn’t even seem like the same person. I saw him when he got back from the store but we didn’t interact enough I guess and I didn’t notice it when he got home?

**So it turns out he had called the police because he was afraid I was threatening him and that he was in danger.**

Last weekend my husband and I had a hard conversation and at one point I shared things like “….it hurts me when you say you wish you’d died in combat….” I love him and I am crushed that he lives with days where he feels he has no value as a human.

Our life has been totally normal since that difficult conversation (I say difficult just because it involves emotional topics, that’s hard for him.) Nothing has been off we have been making dinner together, cuddling on the couch, having sex, snuggling-all normal day to day stuff. I don’t really understand his brain injury and I’ve done so much to educate myself on it and TBI I don’t understand how days after something is rewrites something and becomes afraid.

**His brain decided that I wasn’t quoting his commentary about combat and other suicidal ideation days prior but that I was making threats to him.** It’s like his brain left out the context in which I spoke those sentences and decided that I had maliciously said them.

He has a Tbi and has TERRIBLE memory issues, usually he takes lots of notes about plans and chores and I have just learned that he needs patience when he forgets conversations. That is our life and I am ok with that. He didn’t ask to be that way and I love him as he is.

Usually it’s “oh I thought you said to put the chair outside, I thought that seemed weird so that’s why I asked.” And I reply “thank you for checking, you are right that would have been weird, but hey, maybe one day I will want it out there.” And we chuckle though I know he feels guilty. But it has never been “ I thought you said you wanted me to be dead and that you would do it.”

He has never misremembered something like this. Never something sinister and scary, just usually normal stuff.

The problem is that the police believed him that he was in danger from me apparently. And communicated that to VA staff and so did he. He sent me one text that said they are keeping him overnight and then his phone was off. Overnight and a 72 hour hold are different in my mind but I’m not really giving a lot of weight to him saying “overnight.”

I tried to call and speak with someone on the psych ward floor so I could convey what was going on with him. From what little information I got they actually believe that I was threatening him. Which is beyond insane and the furthest thing from reality. I’ve done a bunch of reading and apparently it’s sadly not uncommon to believe that the people around them are a danger to them.

But because he told the VA that he is afraid of me they won’t talk to me and I’ve hung up on me twice when I tried to explain what was going on.

He can’t get help for what is actually happening if what they think is happening is actually a delusion of his.

I don’t know what to do I’m beside myself. He’s not OK and he needs a real help. He was seeing a therapist every two weeks and we’ve been working on getting him community care so he can see a better mental health professional on a far more consistent basis who specializes in trauma and PTSD. I think they have totally failed him and have not been doing enough for him and it has been an uphill battle to get him better treatment. He has been out for just over a year and what they initially set him up with was insufficient and it has been an ongoing battle to get him actual treatment.

Him being OK is my number one priority and I know that he’s not going to suddenly become OK but I love him and I’m fully committed to being his partner even with the struggles he has. Some days it is hard but I love him and I refuse to abandon him, at his core he is a beautiful soul and the fact he carries the weight he does on his shoulders doesn’t change that. He is kind and my protector, he isn’t abusive.

Other than him being OK being my concern I am DEEPLY AFRAID that the VA thinks I am a threat to him and believing his delusions and not even willing to hear me explain what is going on.

It would make sense if someone comes in and says that they feel unsafe at home that the mental health professionals would tell them that they need to leave that situation then.

I am afraid my husband will leave me because the VA believes his delusions and will tell him to leave me.

Part of my brain tells me that after a day or two there if they keep him that long, he will suddenly snap out of it but he has had really strange fixations in his delusions that somehow persist to affect his reality even when his mind and nervous system seem balanced again.

I just don’t know what to do. They have failed him so much since he got out and I’m scared he isn’t getting the help he needs. And I’m so scared I’m going to lose the man I love because they don’t even see what is wrong, they’re operating in the reality of his delusion which is not reality at all.

Help. I am a mess. I am listed as his wife on his paperwork but one of the times I called up to the floor asking what I could do to relay some information to his doctor they told me that in order to give me any information about him I would have to sign a special form for that floor and what we signed prior wasn’t enough and then told me he wasn’t there and hung up on me.

We literally went in making sure that everything was signed that was necessary so I could speak to people and help him with his appointments as well as relay information to his doctors.

On one call they made it sound like he needed protecting from me and that’s why they don’t care what I want to say to say to his doctor.

I’m scared that if I call up there too many times even though I’m clearly stating that I’m trying to relay information to his doctor, that that’s just going to make them believe his delusion even more-that I’m like nuts or something and idk. I just don’t know. The way the cops handled things and the people on the phone, none of it makes sense.

I would never hurt him, deep down I know he knows that, but deep down doesn’t matter when someone isn’t in reality and is having a crisis. And I don’t know how he’s going to get out of this crisis if the VA is trying to tell him he’s safe for me and that they will help him escape abuse.

How do I make sure he is getting treatment for what is wrong with him? How do they even know what is wrong is they are fixating on his delusion as if it’s reality?

I can’t keep calling. There are documents that he believes I was going to kill him.

Between his PTSD and forgetting things with his TBI I don’t know why someone has not questioned whether or not that is real. I mean I get not questioning victims and support that but what is supposed to happen? How does it work if someone is experiencing a delusion that the people around them are going to hurt them yet you shouldn’t question if people are truly afraid of somebody? I don’t know. This is so insanely long. I do not know who to turn to I do not know what to do and I’m scared out of my mind for him.