violent intrusive thoughts

I can’t soothe my intrusive thoughts anymore, I just can’t. I used to be able to distract myself but now I sit with them for hours no matter what I do. My head hurts nearly 24/7, my throat seldom relaxes, and my hands are always twitching. I feel like I’m losing my mind, even if I know I’m not. I get such vivid imagery of knives, guns, screams, dead people and terrified, live ones.

Going to school has always been hard but it got worse as I got older and my brain deteriorated more. Anyone who makes me mad gets their own place in my mind being dismembered, gutted, shot, etc. It keeps me up sometimes because it doesn’t go away. I almost feel like I want to do it and it makes me anxious. Cutting used to relax me and take my mind off things, help me sleep, but the blood and the blades and the pain just exacerbate my imagination. Sometimes in class I genuinely get stressed that I’ll just whip out a gun that I 1) don’t have in my backpack and 2) don’t own at all. It’s dumb as hell. It’s not real, I know it’s not real, but I run myself in loops anyways. It’s hell. This is hell. I can’t stand watching my once high empathy sink, my anger become uncontrollable, because it makes me worry even harder that one day I’ll kill people.

It doesn’t go away, it hasn’t gotten better. I hate that I like the thoughts sometimes. Only sometimes but it’s still there (a lot of the time, actually). I should go back to counselling but it never helps me, and I don’t want my mom knowing. I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself anymore. I can’t help but worry I’m just beyond help, that I can’t get better, that I’ll just keep getting worse. I don’t know what to say to anyone I know either, or if I even should talk to them. I can’t help but worry that if someone knew the full depth of my thoughts they’d leave. If any of my friends knew at all I was having these thoughts they’d start avoiding me. It’s debilitating and deeply isolating. I like being alone but this is different. I’ve always felt disconnected from other people but it never stops getting worse.