I cut contact 30 days ago and guilt is taking over.

Probably not the most serious of the things we read here, but I have to take it off my chest.

I (34M) met this girl (26F) on a dating app. At first, we didn’t pursue anything because of some character differences. Later on, when I moved to a nearby city (40 miles away), we reconnected and started spending a lot of time together, eventually every weekend.

Over about 7 months, we basically did everything a couple would do like weekends away, trips together (including birthdays and holidays), weekend 1 in city 1, weekend 2 in city 2, dinners, gifts, Valentine’s day, etc. When we were apart, we would be in constant communication.

But intimacy was always very limited, only a few times in total. We also had a few big arguments because of this. A few times I tried to walk away, but she would always pull me back in and not let me go. She has had a difficult past (including abusive relationships), and I think that affected how she approached things.

Earlier this year, she started feeling guilty because she couldn’t be intimate with me. She told me it was partly due to my “lack of ambition” (I do 9-5 office work) and that her preference was always men with more drive and money. At times, she even said hurtful things to push me away, but I stayed because I could see a softer side of her underneath everything and also because she never experienced solid relationships in her life. That's how we ended up getting emotionally attached to each other.

In February she started medication and she told me that apart from her other problems, she also started it because of that guilt she feels towards me. She was very caring up until mid March, when she called me with a shaking voice to tell me that she only wants to stay friends and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I told her to choose what makes her happy, and started slowly distancing myself. Her schedule started getting busier and busier, so during our final conversation at the end of March she begged me to stay as a friend and apologised for not being able to love me. I told her that I will be her friend in time and I care deeply about her but we need to take some space to create new lives.

After that last "goodnight" she sent me 30 days back, I removed my last seen and read receipts and have not reached out yet and have totally immersed in the dark. I know it's a breach of what I promised and I feel guilty because I genuinely care for her, but the idea of her exploring other options leaves me sad, mad and all the things between. I have completely isolated myself (far from creating a new life) from everything and it's also hard to keep up with work, sleep, and self care.

If anyone found a way out from a similar situation I would love to hear from them.