Does anyone else feel like their feelings arent real

Maybe from some childhood trauma or whatever but i just feel as though every single thought i have regarding my bad feelings is just me attention seeking or performing. Not even for anyone but myself.

Its like an infinite paradox where i laugh at myself and question if a thought about hating myself is genuine or is fake. Its to the point where i genuinely want to be depressed so i can have an excuse to not give a fuck at all.

I want to know my feelings are real.