Therapy, Anger and Narrative

First in-person session with my long-distance therapist today. We talked about the conversations of the week and the relationships in my life.

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So then the anger shifts to anger at myself. Why the fuck do I have to fuck up & sabotage every good situation in my life? Why can I never handle anything in a way that works? Why am I too much for every fucking person?

Therapist talked about narrative. How can I change the narrative from "I fucked up" and beating myself up? I had already been flipping the narrative in my mind before she brought that up.

Some possible other narratives:

-- there was something special, at least for me, but it wasn't sustainable without clarity.

-- now that there is clarity and the off-switch can be flipped, my heart is completely free to connect with whoever the right person for me is without part of me being emotionally invested somewhere else. And there are possibilities who are probably much better fits for me in almost every way. I just had to wait until after "the conversation" since I put myself out there and confessed my feelings.

-- other narrative flips that I'm not going to put into writing here

-- and the take of my friend going through similar situation and feelings: "I believe you also did what you felt was the most loving thing you could do at the time for all, knowing what you knew then."
I'm not convinced it was the most loving thing.... it was driven by reliving trauma in that moment & feeling like my world was crashing down on me.
But I also was trying to communicate in a way that I hoped would be helpful to everyone.

I gave honesty.
But that failed. I fucked up.

Sigh Time to give up on the endless analysis.