i’m leaving tomorrow.

i’m overwhelmed with emotion.

*TW*

i called the shelter today expecting to be added to another waitlist, when she said when would i like to come i was so confused, i replied i mean i guess as soon as possible, and when she said can you tomorrow? i instantly cried. i feel like that wasn’t even real. i feel like no i’m going to wake up and still be in hell. i tried to keep the rest of today calm and cool. meanwhile in my head im throwing a party. i’m excited, i know there will be challenges and it’s definitely not permanent, but at least i get to be away. i can’t wait for him to be at work tomorrow, so i can put everything together. and finally be free.

but at the same time i am fucking terrified. what if i can’t get transitional housing or find anywhere else to go? then i end up back here, now it’s worse and he already knows im no longer wanting to be with him. i’m nervous and keep telling myself im being dramatic and that other people have it worse, but i don’t know how much longer i can mentally deal with the financial control, sexual coercion, the throwing things waiting for the moment he decides to put his hands back around my throat.

the pure mental agony. the feeling that im always wrong. i feel just horrible about leaving. i’m splitting up the family. i’m doing wrong. i’m putting my kids through something no child should have to go through. i’m being difficult. i’m being dramatic. i have problems, i am THE problem.

and i know, i know, im not all of these negative things, i just don’t want to come back. i really don’t. i really want this time to be different and to be able to stand on my own two feet. and be able to breathe without being scared of doing it wrong.

i just want to be happy, that’s all i ever wanted.