From my notes app around a year ago

You know, my parents never really got to know whats going on in my life, they never had the opportunity to, what kind of people I'd hang with, the kind of things I'd do. I mean they're proud of me, without ever asking what I have done. All my life I've blamed it on them, I was ignored, those people never listen to me. Looking back, maybe they were listening, my sister is just so... She has always been more outspoken with people she's around. I am definitely more social while she keeps to herself, but even if I may be with more people. She's more with people she's with. I think they deserve to know. They deserve to know what I am going through, what I've went through. All those school politics and how I stood directly under the hoop and broke my nose the first day of basketball. They've always just seen the trophies or injures and... Understood. Maybe. Maybe they were questioning what happened. Maybe they did ask. Maybe I was the one ignoring their questions in my bubble thinking they'll be angry if I told them. I always thought they were the reason why I couldn't tell them the details of things happening because they've never given me the safe space to do so. But maybe I was the one who was cold and spared the details because I thought that was me creating my safe space. Regardless, I find it extremely hard to tell people about my day now, neither to friends nor family, I don't feel like letting them know what's happening. Yes I do feel the urge to let someone know how much I enjoyed that one random 5 year old candy I accidentally found in the fridge, but I can never bring myself to satisfy that urge. The only people who even know what I do are only the people who see it happen, so for each and every person, I am a completely different guy, with different interests, different habits. I don't particularly feel like this is bad, I've been living like this for 17 years now, I've grown used to it. I don't have the urge to let someone know everything. Okay I do, but it's for completely and utterly different reasons. The thing Is I am a person with a mind with not so strong of a memory. So the things that happen to me the experiences that are unique , they kinda vanish. Like they are forgotten, completely. Thats what I am scared of, that one moment with someone, I am afraid if that person never reminds me of that, that moment is completely gone from my life, never to return. That one rough register that had shit on every single person in the group chat, if I ever throw it away, the existance of that register would be lost, like it never existed. Thats what I am scared of. Forgetting, not being forgotten, I can always find new people. But I fear I'll forget the people that once were. And that scares me. But no matter how hard I try to contain memories, they always find a way to disappear. And I always end up regretting that I forgot something, even though I don't know what I forgot.