Grief

My horse passed 2 months ago at only 12 years old. I got him when I was 15 and he was 4. I can hardly remember what life was like before him. He was my everything. From the moment he entered my life, every decision I made and most of my thoughts were centered around him. Now that he’s gone, I have no idea who I am or what I’m supposed to do now. I am so lost, like the days are going by and I’m experiencing them but i don’t really care, nor do i feel like im living them, if that makes sense? It’s like every memory and moment ive lived since he’s been gone is in black and white and blurry. I feel like a broken person, never to be quite who I was before. And then I feel this horrible guilt, knowing people have lost children and human loved ones too soon as well and it almost feels like I’m wrong for being so broken from the loss of a horse? If that makes sense? Not only was he my identity, but horses as a whole have been for so long, but now that he’s gone i really struggle with the idea of returning to my barn. For months I attempted rehabbing him from injuries, that ultimately ended up being the reason for his demise. So now the barn is filled with memories of my boy being in so much pain, and now the memories of saying goodbye, which I don’t even feel like I did right. The barn used to be my safe place, and where he was, and now I can barely face it or the tons of people there. I’m horrified of getting out of horses, but also horrified of going back without him? Just looking for someone who has maybe felt or experienced the same, and how they coped