Its starting to get bad again.

I have a past of self harm. I've started in high schoolin my 10th grade year, I would scratch myself super hard due to stress I would cry hard and scratch my arms. And one period of my life my mental was super super bad and I felt empty and I remember watching a video on youtube about a girl cutting herself with paper clips and I had the ides to do that and so I did it for a month but my mom caught me and got upset at me. And as school progressed it got worse, I cut myself with thumbtacks, sewing needles, kitchen knives, and sewing pins. eventually I went to therapy and I told my therapist and we made a plan and it was fine until I graduated highschool and started online college and starting my job, I started back on my old habits again because stress you know? and I needed something and venting my feelings and writing just didnt do it for me and for some reason cutting myself helped and even felt good. I stopped for a while again because things seemed to be better and life was good but then I would get urges to do it again and for the most part I didn't but I relapsed again and it felt good at first like really good but then I just felt bad. And its bad again, at my job I keep getting tempted with all the knives around me and the feeling comes back and for months i've been trying to ignore it but I just couldn't anymore and well I took one of the knives and started cutting myself again and it hurt but felt good like really good my heart was pumping and I can feel an adrenaline rush but it came crashing down and I just realized what i'm doing and I don't know what to do I don't think i'll ever quit. I don't want to tell my mom or anyone and therapy is kinda expensive right now and I don't know, I don't know what to do anymore.