AITAH for prioritizing my life and think about ending an 8 years old friendship

I (25 M) and my friend (24 F) have been good friends since high school. Although we haven’t seen each other much, just like 1–2 times throughout the entirety, we’ve been sort of best friends since. We met via a mutual colleague in my group in school. Then we connected, and we talked to each other almost daily, shared about life, ranted about things. We had similar interests, so it was very quick.

If I tell you about myself, my school years weren’t that interesting. I was one of those isolated kids in school, so when I finally made a new friend, I was overly attached and protective of her, since I didn’t have much faith in myself maintaining a friendship and I was scared to mess things up.

Long story short, the first 6 years were great. We were good friends, no drama or anything. We were both doing our bachelors in different universities, but we kept in touch via Instagram and WhatsApp. But it all started to go downhill when I moved to a different country to pursue my master’s degree.

Arguments and fights became a normal thing in conversation. And I can tell you most can be seen as my fault, and I agree with that—not paying attention to things she usually says. But every time I apologize and try to be better and not repeat the same mistake.

Although I was genuinely trying to improve myself, she doesn’t really forget about the things I did in the past. So whenever we had a new argument, my past mistakes also come to light—those things which she said were okay, that she forgave me or would give me another chance.

Also, throughout all of this, she never said sorry even once.

We argued about things like if she does something, such as not replying to me or leaving me on read, I just assume that she might be busy, like a sane person would think. But God forbid if I do that.

And if I say, “Why haven’t you apologized when you were in the wrong?”, her response is, “I never say sorry, even to my father, so I’m not used to it.”

And I messed up a lot of times. Every time I apologize to her, because I don’t have much of a social life and I’m really slow at picking up things or signals. What other people would say is right in front of them, I don’t pick up on. I mostly need a verbal confirmation that this is what I’m hinting at. This is one of my pitfalls I haven’t fixed yet.

So the argument is always like: you don’t pay attention to me, you don’t have time for me, and things go on. Even though I’m a calm person, sometimes I get hot-headed when I’m tired from work and studies. And then I get told that I’m the worst friend she has, that she regrets ever opening up to me, and other things.

I get the not paying attention part because I’m the person who replies instantly as soon as my ear hears the notification tone of my phone. But when I moved countries, now I have to cook for myself, go to work, study, and all of this. I have been staying away from my phone more and more. I even missed calls from my parents, which I never do.

And if you say that I need to communicate with her and tell her why I’m not texting, I do tell her every time from what time to what time I have class, then my student job, gym time, and cooking time. She will say she understands that, but then she will also taunt, like, “yeah, go do the things that are more important to you,” or she will ask, “oh, so doing your thesis is more important than me now? Okay, my bad, I won’t bother you ever again.”

Or her usual response is to not respond for a couple of days. Even if I keep sending her texts apologizing in every text, she will eventually start to text back and we will talk normally. And I would think that okay, she is fine now. But in a week or two, she will say that I don’t even realize she is still angry with me. “Can’t you tell by the way I’m texting you? I don’t usually text that way.”

And sometimes I get caught when she gets her periods and wants me to pamper her or take care of her, and I have no idea how to do these things over text. I never had a girlfriend, so I don’t have a single clue or experience. But I still sometimes turn to ChatGPT or Google, or started reading books about how to be a better partner, even though we are not.

I don’t know when and why it became like those couples’ fights who are forced to be together. I even asked her if she thinks of us as more than friends or other things, but she straight up denied that she never thought of me as more than a friend.

So after all of this, now let’s move to two weeks ago. I started my master’s thesis. My degree is about plant genetics, and my research is purely lab work and bioinformatics work with huge amounts of data. And apart from that, I have regular classes, my German language class (because I’m in Germany), and my job as well.

So I didn’t talk to anyone for quite some time because of my packed schedule. And she texted me saying, “I’m mad at you and you don’t even care.” I asked why. She said because I’m not giving her attention. I apologized and told her my schedule. She said okay, she understands I’m busy, and in the next text she said, “Okay, I will stop bothering you. Clearly you are busy doing more important things, and I have never really expected anything from you. I have regretted ever opening up to you.”

I was already emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. These messages made me break down and I felt the worst at that time. I told her that I don’t deserve her and I can’t keep hurting her. I wanted to push her away to isolate her from myself so she can’t get hurt again.

I sent multiple messages about how I was feeling, how I wanted at least from her to be considerate. I don’t want to repeat my exact messages. It was very embarrassing because I was really broken by hearing these words.

She read all of them. Just said, “I think I should go,” and didn’t reply.

A part of me still wants to make up to her because I made mistakes and a lot of times she stuck with me. She does go away, doesn’t communicate, and later comes back after I say sorry 100 times. But she made that her entire personality. And when I said to go away for some time so I can work on myself, she started laughing and saying that she was an idiot who stuck with me all this time, and now it’s my turn and I’m pushing her away rather than staying.

She sent a lot of messages saying similar things, that she should’ve left me the first time. And later she said if I don’t want to be with her, I can block her, she doesn’t care, and things like that.

So, AITAH for now thinking to end ties with her and prioritizing my life?