Dread check up appts due to weight gain

I’m 28 weeks pregnant and have already gained 39lbs. I did gain over 75 lbs with my first pregnancy, and honestly keep telling myself this is what my body needs and I’m growing a whole human, but I can’t help but feel embarrassed and huge.

I have struggled with disordered eating since my teens. Never drastically enough to get diagnosed with anything, but definitely have always had a preoccupation with weight and correlating it to my self worth.

With that being said, I absolutely DREAD my prenatal appointments because the very first thing they do is check your weight. Mine always goes up by at least 10 lbs, and it just puts a damper on my entire appointment. Like, I should be happy about being able to check up on my baby and hear the heartbeat, but all I can think about as the appointment nears is how huge I’m getting, and the dread sets in.

I don’t know how to avoid this, I’m thinking about telling my midwife that I’d rather weigh myself and home and report back, or get weighed there but ask that they keep it off the chart so I can’t see it. Idk what to do but it’s making me very self conscious and depressed, during a time that should be happy and joyful.