Children are cheap, actually

As it was removed from HENRYUK..

*A completely sane financial reckoning by a woman who chose to procreate in Surrey*

Let me walk you through the numbers and prove, once and for all, that parenthood is basically free.

**School: £25,000/year**

The average Surrey private school now runs about £8,000 per term — call it £24,000–£25,000 a year, and that’s before Keir Starmer’s exciting new 20% VAT surcharge on the audacity of not wanting your child educated in a Portakabin. If you’ve got Charterhouse ambitions, you’re looking at £36,500 for day fees.

But think of what you’re getting! Latin. A blazer. Looking down on state school educated plebs by age 9.

**Nanny: £40,000–£50,000/year**

A full-time nanny in Surrey will set you back £30,000–£45,000 gross, to which you then add employer’s National Insurance because HMRC would like its cut of your childcare despair, thank you very much. So call it £40,000–£50,000 all-in, depending on whether your nanny has a Norland degree or just the standard superhuman patience.

**Daily Cleaner: £10,500/year**

Children generate entropy at a rate that would trouble a physicist. You will need someone in the house seven days a week, two hours a day, at roughly £20/hour

**Violin Tutor: £2,080/year**

Because what is childhood without the screeching? A decent private violin teacher in Surrey runs about £40 per hour. Weekly lessons, fifty-two weeks a year (your tutor doesn’t get holidays; suffering is year-round), and you’re at £2,080. This buys you approximately eighteen months of sounds indistinguishable from a cat in a tumble dryer, followed by a brief window where they can play “Twinkle Twinkle” recognisably, followed by them announcing they want to play drums instead.

**The Pony: £22,000/year**

The pièce de résistance of Surrey parenting. The moment your child looks up at you with those enormous eyes and says “I want a pony,” you should hear what they’re actually saying, which is: “I would like you to take out a second mortgage on a creature that bites.”

Here is what a pony costs in Surrey:

•	Purchase price: £3,000–£5,000 (one-off, amortise it however makes you feel less ill)

•	Full livery: £1,200/month → £14,400/year (in Surrey, where even the horses expect heated stabling)

•	Farrier every six weeks: £100 a pop → £870/year (the pony needs new shoes more often than your wife, and yes I see the irony)

•	Vet bills, vaccinations, insurance, teeth, worming: £1,500/year minimum, before anything actually goes wrong

•	Feed supplements: £600/year (the pony has a more carefully curated diet than you do)

•	Riding lessons on top of owning the pony, because apparently owning one isn’t enough, you also need a professional to teach your child to sit on it: private lessons at £55/hour, weekly → £2,860/year

The pony will not love your child back. The pony doesn’t even know your child’s name. The pony knows two things: where the mints are and how to stand on your foot.