just flipping whyy oh my effing gosh

i really hate myself. i mean, why the heck am i even born in the first place?? because other sperm cells weren't fast enough? god damnit i am so effing tired. only a month left before school starts again. my school suddenly wanted to have heterogeneous classes (? not sure if this is the exact name, but this is what they call it) to help those in the lower section and to make things fair. i mean, our education system is already messed up, and now this too? just thinking about group projects or activities makes me tired already. i'm also not that smart tbh, so how the hell am i gonna maintain my grades my smart young self madeeee ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ. i can't even imagine myself in the future 'cause i feel like the world is just gonna get more messy.. i wanna be a doctor, but it's so fricking expensive.. there's no hope for me.. i hate myself. i hate my body. i'm so flipping skinny, literally skin and bones. my best friend jokingly complained about my shoulder a few times whenever she rests her head on it.. i mean, i don't blame her. i'm so dirty. everything in me is dirty and unhealthy. our house is gonna fall apart sooner or later.. i feel bad for our dog because he's just suffering now. he has a skin disease and is very old.. i don't think i'm gonna want to get a pet in the future. my family is broken, i'm a lazy eldest daughter, my mom.. dawg i wish i wasn't her child.. she deserves someone better.. or idk. it feels weird to hate my mom. i sort of know why she's like this, but i'm still being selfish. i really hate myself. all i do is rot all day on my phone, reading random comics.. tsk, my mom and my sister is fighting again. why the hell is my sister acting like that when she knows it pisses mom off? because she thinks it's funny? whyyyy whyy the heck am i aliveee. i wish i can learn to like, turn off/on my brain or something so o won't have to think about these things and just do as i was told.. be a fricking robot. haa seriously i hate myself for hating people.. i'm sorry for being a burden, but keep in mind i didn't ask to be born. why the heck would mom even have sex with a frickin addict. because she was in love? then f love. i'm never dating anyone, nor giving birth to anyone, nor having sex with anyone. once i graduate from college, then become a doctor, then save enough money for a house, then save enough money to pay back my family for the any trouble i've caused them, and only after i've watched every anime i want t watch and read every manhwa/manhua/comic/novel/whatever the heck i wanna read, only then i'm gonna quietly kms and call the police in advance so i don't rot and dirty the place. yeah, i feel like that's a pretty good plan. i'm never gonna be financially nor emotionally/mentally stable for anyone anyway. but how the hell am i even gonna become a doctor if i'm really dumb and ppl piss me off sometimes.. °—°

also, why the heck am i so hung up on people from 5th grade. whenever i go outside, i'm scared anyone i know, but most especially people i know, and even especially my (ex?)crush from 5th grade is gonna see me while riding a tricycle.. is it 'cause it was after the covid pandemic?? why am i always thinking about themmm.

i'm sure my mom and my sister hate me. and most people from my class/anyone i know from school probably dislike me too.whywhwywhywhwywhwyhwywywhwyhw i hate everything why am j like this