Don't know what’s wrong with me

First, English isn't my first language so this might be a bit messy and hard to read.

I feel like doing the things I think about, like writing my own book, practising drawing, or even just texting a girl i like. Like if I do things i want to do something bad will happen. After that I start denying liking the things so I wouldn't do them.

One time I texted a girl I liked while drunk and I got a positive response from her, which is nice and all, but come next morning and I have a lot of anxiety about being dumb enough to text drunk. The following days I start looking for things to dislike about my crush so there wouldn't be a chance to take it further.

I feel like I'm in a loop of wanting to do many things, but when I have the opportunity to do it I end up making excuses and sidelining it. This feeling comes in waves.

Something else that comes in a bigger wave is this feeling of demotivation and just emptiness. I think it started after I had to quit ice hockey because of mycoplasma in the first year of high school. Sometimes I started feeling depressed and not feeling to go to school. I atleast have good friends and I bounced back quickly but it always came around.

The worst I had it was the winter vacation a little before my matriculation exams. It was the perfect time to prep for the exams and we had been given all the material prepare for them, but I barely could leave my room. It was the first time I had such a strong feeling of apathy. I didn't study almost at all for the exams and it left me feeling guilty and feeling like I made up these feelings so I could have an excuse not to study. That's the worst part of these feelings. The feeling of making this up, that everything that's going on and what I feel, I made up.

I know this propably didn't make much sense and it isn't that cohesive, but this felt like the perfect moment to try to write this, because I noticed feeling apathetic and sad again. So after many tries of writing this and many title changes I'm atleast a little proud that I got this finally written and a little piece of it out of my system. And still the hardest part about this post wasn't thinking about writing it or the writing itself, but pressing the post button.

Thank you for reading this