I miss her

I had a friend i was really close to, we were also part of a bigger group, a group of 5 people, all of us went to the same school, but we were particularly close she was also close to one of the other members but we used to spend a lot of time together so yeah I like to think we were closer than they were, after passing out from school, 3 of them got into college of their choices but both of us wanted to join the same field n we didn't get it in the first chance so we took an year gap, in that we slowly started to drift apart(she was still close to the other girl) a bit bcz we were both kinda busy preparing understandable, but an yr later she gets in, and i don't,it breaks me not bcz she does but bcz it had always been my dream, n that rejection was paralytic...n somewhere deep in my heart I was also a bit angry at the world, angry that she got something and i didn't, i was also a bit mean in my heart bcz I knew she had probably scored as much as i did, but she used her connections n i didn't have them, so yeah that made me angry, but that make me hate her, it just made me angry at circumstances so i decided i would try again n give it my all, n the first step that I took was to isolate myself from everyone else, when there was a house party for the birthday celebration of the other girl and she invited me, and i told her that I had joined coaching bcz I didn't get in, she told me sorry, and i would do better next time, and that's when she told me my friend had got in, that's actually how i got to know...so i decided to cut off all distractions..

Over the next yr, I tried as much as i could, I missed all the celebrations, get togethers n didn't for once open the group text, and i was scared a lot, i didn't miss them per se, but I also kinda did..but i always thought when I get in I'll text them, I'll reply the group texts, I'll join back...

Once the results come, I get in, and I'm relieved but i also don't feel overjoyed... I'm grateful but bcz I don't get into the top colleges i don't feel the 2 yr loss is justified...but whatever..i don't yet feel the relief of wanting to join back so i tell myself I'll join back at the next event, and just like that 2 more yrs pass by, bcz I don't feel ready yet, every yr on her birthday i wish her, n she asks me how I'm doing,i was fine and she says the say..n then we don't speak for another yr..i met the other girl on my way once, she says why r you escaping from us, I feel weird n i say I'll go on the next meet...

So, let me tell me about the current situation, every alternate day i dream about my friends, a situation where everythings solved, where i didn't leave and where they called me atleast once, i felt sad at the fact that they didn't miss me enough to ever text me personally over the span of now 3 yrs, but i also understand how i all of a sudden vanished.

I in particular miss her the most, almost everyday, I feel scared that I'll never meet her again but I'm also scared I'll meet her on my way someday..i often open our old photos n think about that memory...we had some amazing ones..I just always wished she'd text me once personally....but ig it was wrong of me to expect..and now that 3 yrs have passed it feels like all 5 of them have a life which I'm not anymore privy to, to all of sudden enter would be weird, and what if they don't want me anymore but i still think I'm gonna do it,,i was watching a the new season of a show yesterday and all I could think about was how when the last season was premiering we would discuss it the next day on our way to school..and watching the new season I miss her a lot, it's another one of those things that reminds me of her..

So, I can't explain this to someone else, bcz it feels weird talking about this with my new college ppl, i really wanna know what you all feel, and tell me how i should be dealing with this, and also do share yr experience